Nine Tails, Eight Powers, One Demon
by KillamriX88
Summary: Naruto awakens after fighting Sasuke to find that he can now freely communicate with the Kyuubi. Then things get a bit weird...
1. Rude Awakening

**My latest masterpiece! I mean really, everything I write is AWESOME!. . . right? (Ok so Secrets and Desires came out pretty bad... hardly any reviews -sigh-) Well, not much to say here, but the Kyuubi will be rather ooc ("out of character" for you new internet type peoples) The Kyuubi will act a bit... well, just read and find out!**

**Note: This is rated M because I just want to be able to write and not worry if what I have put down is too mature... in the end, it might not really deserve the rating, but we'll see...**

_**"Inner self/demons."**_

_"Thought speech"_

"Normal Speech." (Note, should Naruto ever talk to the Kyuubi face to face inside his head, the Kyuubi's speech will be shown like this)

* * *

**Rude Awakening**

"It's amazing that he's alive. His injuries were horrific."

"I know, I'm the one who healed him."

"Hmph, he still looks like a mummy."

"At least he isn't dead and in the ground."

"Fair enough."

Naruto slowly opened his eyes. The light hurt, so he shut them again. However, he soon grew restless and tried again.

"Hey, he's awake." It was a female voice, the one who thought he shouldn't be alive.

"Yes, I see." It was the one who had apparently healed him, a man. Wait, he had? He had thought it would have been Tsunade... then again, he had thought he wouldn't be coming back after... _"Sasuke..."_ He grabbed a fistful of blankets, biting back tears, _"Sakura..."_

"Hey, how are you feeling?" The man asked. But Naruto just looked away.

"He's supposed to make a full recovery right?" The woman, who must be a nurse, asked the man.

"Well, yes, but-"

"Then leave him alone, it's obvious that's what he wants, you can ask him questions later."

"You're not in char-"

"Yeah yeah, I'm not in charge, but I'm also not an idiotic man." The nurse argued, and dragged the doctor off. It was one of the few times Naruto was glad women were so scary.

- - -

"Naruto?" A familiar voice spoke and he heard the door to his hospital room slide open.

"Sakura-chan?" Naruto looked over to the door.

"It's probably a dumb question, but how are you feeling?" She asked.

"I've been better." Naruto admitted, "Err, Sakura-chan... I... I couldn't-"

"I know." Sakura leaned on the window sill in his room, staring outside.

"I'm sorry... I couldn't keep my promise..." Naruto slumped in defeat, _"She must hate me, she'll start yelling any time now."_

"It's fine, and you haven't failed yet, you'll succeed next time I'm sure." She glanced at him.

"Uhh, I... err, yeah! Definitely!" He could barely contain his excitement, another chance!

"And I'll help you, so there'll be no chance of failure." Sakura said.

"W-what?" Naruto looked confused.

"I know I've been useless, but I'll figure out some way to get strong and help you, it's my turn to make a promise." She said.

"Sakura..." Naruto wasn't sure what to say.

"Hehe, just rest for now OK?" Sakura giggled, "If you die form stupidity I'll never forgive you."

"Heh, r-right." Naruto chuckled, grinning slightly.

"Well, I think I'd better get started on keeping my promise, so I'm gonna go now, bye." Sakura started for the door... but then, suddenly turned and kissed Naruto on the cheek before quickly leaving.

"Wh-... I... wow..." Naruto just stared at the door, face turning bright red, "Cool."

_**"Ah, well that's just the beginning, kit."**_

_"Wh-Kyuubi? Wait, why am I not talking to you in that filthy sewer?" _

_**"You could say we've bonded. Don't tell me you forgot what happened in that accursed valley." **_The Kyuubi said.

_"No..."_ Naruto replied glumly.

_**"Oh stop being a pussy! Look, things are going to be better now, you're gaining more of my power, as you've just noticed."**_

_"What? Nothing happened, what are you talking about?" _

_  
__**"Dipshit, she just kissed you, she has been annoyed by you for years! **_**I **_**am the one who made her attracted to you."**_

_"WHAT?! NO! That ruins everything, stop it! I'll make her fall for me myself!"_

_**"Are you kidding me? This is going to be fucking hilarious! No way kit, no way. I gotta get my kicks somehow dammit!"**_

_"I hate you even more now..."_

_**"Well, you may hate me now, but you'll want to kill me after this, the nurses will be here soon."**_

_"Why?"_

_**"Because after that kiss and getting pissed at me, you're over heating. . . though I'll admit I raised it a little bit myself."  
**_

_"Huh?"_

Suddenly two nurses walked in,

"You're over heating a bit, so to be on the safe side we're gonna cool you down real quick." One said.

"Uhh, what's with that bags of ice?" Naruto asked nervously.

"Didn't you hear what she said?" The second nurse asked.

"Oh no..." Naruto cringed, "Hey, wait! NO! NOT BETWEEN THE LEGS! NOOO!!"

- - -

Sakura was blushing furiously, _"Gah! What the hell was that?! Why did I kiss him?!"_

_**"Well he **_**is **_**kinda cute..."**_ Her inner said.

_"It's not like I like him, I'll just say I was overcome with emotion or something, yeah that's it, I'm a girl, they'll believe that."_

_**"Even if **_**you**_** don't..."**_

_"I like Sasuke not him! But then again, Sasuke ran away from the village and knocked me out... but he had a reason! I mean, I was willing to go with him. Gah, but almost the entire team sent after him ended up near death! And it's all that bastards fault, revenge isn't that important! Wait, NO! Stop thinking like that, there's still hope! Then again he doesn't even like me... or does he?"_

"AUUUGH! WHAT IS MY PROBLEM!" She shouted out loud, clutching her head and drawing numerous stares.

_**"Good work, now they all think you're insane."**_

- - -

_**"Hi."**_

_"Dammit, what do you want now you stupid fox?"_

_**"Nothing... just thought I should explain your new powers. I might want something later though."**_

_". . . fine, but I won't give you anything, I'm still pissed over that thing with the ice!"_

_**"I know, that was funny..."**_

_"I hate you so much."_

_**"I try, anyway, you would normally have nine powers, one for each of my tails, but you only get eight."**_

_"Cheapskate..."_

_**"Shut it, I've used up so much power saving and healing you I won't be able to give you that power! It's not easy holding off DEATH dammit!"**_

_"Fine fine, what do I get?"_

_**"Well, the power you lost was control over all the elements. That was tail number one, tail number two is the ability to summon things without using a contract scroll... just be careful, some of them won't be happy about it."**_

_"Great, more pissy summons, Boss Gama is already difficult..."_

_**"Right... well, tail three is hypnosis."**_

_"Is that why Sakura suddenly likes me?"_

_**"Nah, that's tail number five. Makes you as attractive as I am with the ladies."**_

_". . . but you're ugly."_

_**"Oh really, well just for that I'm not telling you anything else!"**_

_"Drama queen..."_

_**"Shove it."**_

- - -

"Hey, Naruto." A voice said, it sounded like Jiraiya.

"Ero-sennin?" Naruto looked around.

"I'm outside, and stop calling me that!" Yup, Jiraiya. Naruto looked out the window and jumped slightly when he saw the huge eye of a toad. He then noticed Jiraiya was riding said toad, "It's degrading to call me ero..."

"Yo degrade yourself all the time writing that smut!" Naruto argued.

"Hey! I have legions of fans." Jiraiya argued.

"Legions of pervs..." Naruto muttered.

"I heard that." Jiraiya grumbled, "Hmph, and to think I was going to sneak you out of there."

_**"Oh, sneak us out on a giant toad? Very subtle..." **_The Kyuubi commented.

_". . . for once I agree." _Naruto answered.

_**"Ah, we're getting along better already."**_

_"No, I just agreed with you, I still hate your guts!"_

_**"You're mean."**_

_"Bitch."_

_**". . . I'm going to eat your soul for that. . ."**_

_'WH-WHAT?!!?" _Naruto panicked.

_**"AHAHAHAHA! Oh, that was priceless, relax kit, I can't eat your soul... as much as I wish I could sometimes."**_

_"Jerk."_

"Hello, Naruto, hey, stop spacing out!" Jiraiya said, "What's wrong, brain damage? Maybe I should leave you in there..."

"Wh-what!? No! Get me out!" Naruto pleaded.

"Ah, that's more Naruto-ish, come on, out the window and on to the toad!" Jiraiya patted the toad's head.

- - -

"So, I wanted to talk to you about something." Jiraiya said. The two were currently standing on top of a tall building, looking out at the Hokage monument.

"What is it Ero-sennin?"

"Stop calling me that!" Jiraiya growled.

"Whatever, just tell me!" Naruto demanded.

"You sound like a five year-old sometimes you know that?" Jiraiya said.

"Will you just tell me what you wanted to talk about already." Naruto crossed his arms impatiently.

"Fine, fine." Jiraiya sighed, "There's a group called Akatsuki, did I tell you about that yet? Well regardless of whether I have, they're after people like you, Jinchuurikki, people with demons."

_**"Oh that's rich..." **_The Kyuubi muttered.

"Right, that time in the hotel with Sasuke!" Naruto nodded, shuddering slightly at the memory, _"Sasuke..."_

_**"Oh will you quit it already, forget about that punk!"**_

"Exactly." Jiraiya nodded back, "I have reason to believe that they will be regrouping and planning for some time, three years approximately if we get lucky."

_**"If we get lucky." **_The Kyuubi muttered tauntingly, _**"So reassuring to know that I **_**MIGHT **_**be safe for three years..."  
**_

_"Will you be quiet!" _Naruto complained. The Kyuubi grumbled but shut up for the time being, "Hey, isn't that how long we have to save Sasuke?!" Naruto said, slightly excited, "That means I have three years to get ready to save Sasuke _and _fight the Akatskees!"

"Akat_suki_." Jiraiya corrected, "And about Sasuke..."

"Wh-what about Sasuke?" Naruto asked.

"Forget about him." Jiraiya said simply.

_**"SEE!?"**_ The Kyuubi boasted.

_"SHUT UP!" _Naruto roared at the Kyuubi.

"What do you mean!? No way!" Naruto argued with Jiraiya.

Jiraiya sighed, closing his eyes, and then opening them again, "Look kid, you don't wanna go down that road, he left of his own free will, and if you don't give up on him, you're gonna get hurt, and in more ways than one."

_**"And if you die, I die..." **_The Kyuubi added.

"Well I don't care! I'm going to bring him back whether he wants to or not, I made a promise!" Naruto shouted.

"Stop being a fool Naruto!" Jiraiya scolded angrily, "You're a ninja, and being strong and knowing lots of jutsu just isn't going to cut it, you need to be smart, you need wisdom!"

Naruto just clenched his fists and looked at the ground, "Well..."

"Hm?" Jiraiya looked at Naruto expectantly.

"Fine."

"Good-"

"If that's what being wise means, then I'll be a fool for life!" Naruto stared at the sannin defiantly. Jiraiya just stared at the kid in shock, jaw dropped. However, then he chuckled,

"You're crazy, but you're lucky too, maybe just lucky enough to pull it off." Jiraiya said, grinning slightly, "But you'll need to train hard."

_**"Oh come the fuck on!" **_The Kyuubi complained, _**"I thought he was on my side!"**_

"Y-yeah!! I'll train everyday, I'll even skip missions if I have to!" Naruto said determinedly.

"Are you kidding me? No matter how much you train you're screwed." Jiaiya said. Naruto nearly fell over in surprise at the words.

"Wh-what!?!? But you just said-"

"_Unless_ you come and train with me." Jiraiya said.

"Really?! Cool!" Naruto grinned.

"For three years, out of the village." The Sannin added.

"Out... out of the village? F-for three years?" Naruto asked, looking nervous.

"It's the only way I'll train you, and it'll help keep Akatsuki from knowing where you are, though we will be a little more vulnerable if they can manage to find out our location..." Jiraiya said.

"Right..." Naruto mumbled, however, _"HA! Stupid fox, now you can't force Sakura to like me!"_

_**"Which means she won't like you period and she'll probably forget you even exist and start going out with some other guy... like Neji... or maybe even that freak Lee."**_ The Kyuubi said.

_"WHAT?! NOOOOOO!"_

"Hey, are you OK?" Jiraiya leaned over to look in Naruto's face, "You look sick."

"Err, I-I'm fine... can you move your face?" Naruto replied. Jiraiya obliged and stood back up straight,

"So, will you do it?" Jiraiya asked.

"I... I guess." Naruto said.

"Good, now no changing your mind." Jiraiya said, "Oh, and don't tell anyone. Also, we'll be leaving in a week so you have time to finish recovering and so I can plan things out."

"OK..." Naruto said, "But I really can't tell anyone?"

"No, if anyone has spies, I want to limit the chances of them catching wind of this." Jiraiya explained seriously.

"Right, I understand." Naruto sighed.

"Hm, good, I expected more of an argument from you though." Jiraiya shrugged.

"I might be a fool for life but I'm not a total idiot." Naruto grumbled.

"Good to hear, well, I'm off to start planning, you better find a place to hide before someone drags you back to the hospital." Jiraiya advised.

"Gah! Seriously!?" Naruto twitched.

"You _did _sneak out after being admitted with near fatal injuries..." Jiraiya reminded.

"Crap..." Naruto grumbled.

_**"Owned..."**_

- - -

One day until he had to leave. Well, less really. It was the night of the day before, tomorrow morning while it was still early, he'd be leaving. So what was Naruto doing sneaking through the night?

_**"Jiraiya will be pissed." **_Kyuubi warned.

_"And you actually care?"_

_**"No, just contemplating what sort of humiliating punishment he'll give you." **_The Kyuubi laughed.

_"Fox bastard..." _Naruto grumbled. He had something he wanted to do. Only a few people knew he was leaving, but there was one other person he wanted to know. Sure, she'd figure it out soon enough, but he wanted her to hear it from him, even if it wasn't face to face. He had a letter for Sakura.

_**"If you give it to her now, she'll get it when she wakes up and probably come to the gates on your way out, and Jiraiya will definitely find out then."**_

_"So?"_

_**"Ha, you're hoping for that!"**_

_"N-no! I just won't get another chance to give it to her!"_

_**"Sure kit, sure..."**_

Naruto reached Sakura's house, and was relieved to see it was open a crack to keep the room from getting to hot in Konoha's heat. It was the middle of a rather warm summer. Naruto quietly slid the letter through the window, and pleased with where it landed, quietly took off.

- - -

Sakura woke up and began going through her morning routine. A routine that was going to be a bit different since just two days ago she had asked Tsunade to train. She had been very relieved when she had been accepted. Her routine was going to take an even bigger turn in just a moment though. She spotted a letter lying on the table near her bed just under the window in her room. She picked it up an read it:

_Sakura,  
I'm not supposed to tell you, so please don't tell anyone I did, but I am leaving the village. Not like... well, I'm going with Jiraiya to train so I can bring Sasuke back. So yeah... don't forget me or anything like that. I'll probably be gone by the time you find this, or even if I'm not, I'll probably be gone before you can get to the gate, I'm leaving pretty early in the mor-_

Sakura stopped reading it. Checking to make sure she was fully dressed, she dashed out of the house, nearly knocking over her mother on the way out.

- - -

"Ready kid? Take one last look, you won't be seeing the village for a few years." Jiraiya said.

Naruto did that, looking out at the village, the houses, the Hokage Tower, the Hokage monument, and his gaze lingered on the fourth for a second, and then he turned back to Jiraiya, "Yeah, I'm ready."

"NARUTO!" Naruto suddenly heard a voice shout. It was Sakura. For a moment he was excited, but then he noticed Jiraiya glaring at him suspiciously.

"Uhh, I have no idea how she found out?" Naruto chuckled nervously.

_**"Smooth, real fucking smooth."**_ The Kyuubi sighed.

"Naruto!" Sakura was panting as she reached him and Jiraiya, "H-how could you?!"

"Wh-what? I'm coming back..." Naruto replied confusedly.

"NOT THAT!" Sakura glared, and then slapped him, "How could you suggest that I would forget about you!" She shouted, looking close to tears.

_**"Ha! You wrote that because of me! Oh! OHHH! I owned you, bitch! HAHAHAHAHA!" **_The Kyuubi roared with laughter, oblivious to the mood.

"I-I'm sorry..." Naruto hung his head in shame.

"No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to slap you I-"

"Ahem... we were trying to leave without attracting attention." Jiraiya grumbled angrily.

"Oh... uhhh..." Sakura looked nervous.

"Bah, too late now, you two say your goodbyes or whatever, but make it quick!" Jiraiya said, turning and walking to the gates to wait.

"I'll be back, so don't worry OK?" Naruto tried to reassure her with one of his goofy grins.

"R-right, you better!" Sakura said.

"Of course I will, so train and get strong, because when I get back we're gonna bring Sasuke back, together!" Naruto said determinedly.

"I will, we'll both keep our promises!" Sakura nodded.

"Hehe, you bet!" Naruto grinned, "I think Ero-sennin-"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

"-is getting impatient, so I should get going. . . so. . . bye Sakura-chan."

_**"I could probably make her kiss you goodbye."**_The Kyuubi said, _**"I just know that could lead to something hilarious."**_

_"Will you shut up for five freaking minutes?!"_ Naruto yelled at the demon fox.

_**"Oh fine... five minutes, go."**_

"Bye Naruto." Sakura smiled... and kissed him on the cheek.

- - -

Naruto and Jiraiya were walking down the road from Konoha, about five minutes down the road to be exact.

_**"Five minutes is u-"**_

_"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STOP MESSING WITH SAKURA'S HEAD!!"_

_**"What? That kiss on the cheek? I didn't do anything, honest..."**_

_"W-... wait, really?"_

_**"Yep."**_

_"Ha! I made her like me on my own!"_

_**"Of course, it **_**could **_**just be left-overs from the last time..."**_

_"OH COME ON!!!"_

_**"You hate me don't you?"**_

_"A lot."_

_**"Good, wouldn't have it any other way."**_

_**

* * *

  
**_

**Well, there you have it, chapter one! I take it you get what I mean about the Kyuubi being a bit different eh? (annoying little bastard!) Well, here's hoping you were entertained, review please!**

**And just to make sure you all understand, I am writing this with the intent to throw in as much comedy as possible, so expect some characters to be a bit strange, or their personality quirks exaggerated. Especially the Kyuubi.**

**So, please leave a review if you like this. I have multiple ideas I'm working on, and I want to know how much you like this. Cuz if it ends up being really popular I'll work on it more. Otherwise I can work on something else. Also, reviews make me happy. And happy is good. And if I'm happy, I'll write more and better, which makes you happy. It's a happy cycle. Please don't make me unhappy... then I'll have to kill you. Which also will make me happy, but it's far more effort.**

**'Til next time!  
**


	2. A Road Too Long

**Now with 20% more Jiraiya!**

**I am quite frankly shocked. But in a good way. Only one chapter and this is becoming my most popular story. A crapload of alerts and favorites! I'm betting this chapter will slam this all the way into first place.**

**Now. Prepare to laugh.**

**

* * *

A Road Too Long**

"GAH!" Naruto sputtered as he surfaced after falling in the water.

_**"Wow... you really suck..."**_

_"I blame you..." _Naruto was once again arguing with his inner demon. No, not fighting it, _arguing_. It wasn't easy living with the nine-tailed demon fox Kyuubi living inside him. And now the damn thing had gotten a very obnoxious attitude.

"Come on Naruto, this isn't that hard of a technique, I know Sakura knows how to do it, and she learned even before the Chuunin exams if I remember correctly." Jiraiya sighed, "And if you don't learn it, you won't be able to break out of even the simplest genjutsu, so get it right!"

_"I don't suppose one of those eight powers you gave me allows me to resist genjutsu?"_ Naruto asked.

_**"What? Reserve an entire tail for resisting genjutsu? No, but I can break you out of a genjutsu myself, trust me, I am immune to genjutsu... mostly, so I can probably keep you safe from those... if I feel like it."**_

_"If you FEEL like it? WHAT THE HELL!"_

"Naruto... pay attention, are you spacing out again?" Jiraiya asked, "If you keep doing that you'll drown..." They were practicing breaking genjutsu in the middle of a canal. Jiraiya was sitting in a small, rented boat with a small roof attached for shade.

"S-sorry..." Naruto said and climbed back onto the surface of the water.

"Now, try the technique again." Jiraiya ordered.

**. . .**

_"And you didn't help earlier, why?" _Naruto asked the Kyuubi. He had finally succeeded when the Kyuubi had helped him out a bit.

_**"Your suffering brings me amusement, get used to it."**_The Kyuubi replied, _**"But you were just so pathetic I couldn't stand it any more."**_

_"I... you... hate... GAH!"_ Naruto sputtered mentally.

_**"Oh don't give up, I'm sure you can say **_**something** _**intelligible if you throw in a little more effort, someone of your mental prowess should only take about an hour to do it."**_

_"I hate you..."_ Naruto grumbled.

_**"I'm very impressed, you only took three seconds..."**_

_"Pray I don't figure out how to use sealing jutsu... pray dammit, pray!"_ Naruto threatened.

_**"Oh, I'm shaking in my fur."**_

_"Whatever, now will you finally tell me what my other new powers are!"_

_**"Hmph, why should I? You haven't even manged to use the ones you **_**do** _**know."**_

_"Oh, gee, I can't imagine why, you always give me such good advice on how to use them!"_ Naruto yelled sarcastically.

_**"Alright, alright, sheesh. Let's make a deal, you manage to summon something besides a toad, and I reveal all."**_ The Kyuubi suggested.

_"Easy! But... wait, you need specific hand-seals to summon something, how do I just summon some random thing I don't have a contract with?"_ Naruto asked.

_**"Hmph, at least you're smart enough to ask that."**_

_"Stop... insulting me..."_ Naruto grumbled.

_**"Sorry, sorry, you just make it so easy-"**_

_"Get on with it!"_

_**"How rude... fine, alright. To do this you have to first access my chakra obviously, since it is my powers that allow you to do this in the first place. Your normal chakra won't work."**_

_"I guess that makes sense..."_

_**"Of course it does! Then, go through the motions of a normal summoning jutsu, but skip the hand seals."**_

_"Err, but then how do I pick what I summon?"_

_**"You don't."**_

_"What! What if I get something useless!"_

_**"Well obviously I won't let **_**that** _**happen, I have some control over it."**_

_"Well that's comforting."_ Naruto muttered.

_**"Remember, if you die, I die, I'm not going to screw you over... much..."**_

_"I hate you."_

_**"Yeah... that's getting really old, really fast."**_

_"Kyuubitch."_

_**"Wow, how long did it take you to come up with that one?"**_The Kyuubi sighed.

**. . .**

"Who the hell are you?" The angry creature growled.

"N-Naruto... Uzumaki Naruto." Naruto gulped, currently pressed up against a boulder hoping he didn't get eaten. He had somehow summoned a massive eel in a river. It had reared its head out and cornered him before he knew what was happening.

_**"Oh come on, it's just a fish, get it under control!"**_The Kyuubi grumbled.

_"It could eat me in one bite!"_ Naruto argued.

_**"OK, there **_**is **_**that, but still..."**_

"Look, we don't have a contract, so you better explain how you summoned me, _now_." The eel glared, baring it's very sharp teeth.

_"You wanna explain for me, p-please?"_ Naruto asked.

_**"Don't be a pussy, man up!"**_

_"If I get eaten, you get eaten!"_

_**"I fucking hate you, fine, just relax and let me take over."**_

_"O-OK... hey wait, how do I know you'll give control back?"_

_**"I'd have to bust through this seal to permanently take control, otherwise I'll eventually get too tired."**_

_"So you say!"_

"Are you that scared, pay attention human!" The eel roared.

"Shut up, I'm trying to talk!" Naruto snapped.

"H-... what? Are you insane? I'm the only one here!"

"Uhhh... well... that's a long story."

"Shorten it." The eel narrowed it's eyes dangerously. "This fresh water is uncomfortable..."

"I have a demon in my head." Naruto said.

". . . say that again?" The eel cocked it's head in confusion.

"The Kyuubi, he let me summon you."

"I... see..." The eel sunk back into the water slightly, seeming to ponder Naruto's words.

"So, you aren't going to eat me?" Naruto asked.

"Pheh, no, humans taste too bloody, not enough meat on your bones to even out the flavor... and all those clothes you wear are annoying." The eel grumbled.

"B-but if you know that... then..."

"Yeah, I've eaten people before, got a problem with that?" The eel glared.

"N-no sir."

_**"Pussy..."**_

_"You want me to argue with him? You upset that he's eaten people?"_

_**"Touche. But you're still a pussy."**_

"Hmph, I can feel that the ocean isn't far from here, I will head there. If you wish to converse further, then meet me their, otherwise I will be leaving after a while." The eel said, and then lowered itself fully into the water and swam off.

_**"So?"**_

_"I... might as well go."_

_**"Another chat with the eel? Did you just grow some balls?"**_

_"Ha-ha... jackass..."_ Naruto muttered.

"You actually came, I'm surprised." The massive eel said when Naruto arrived at the edge of the ocean. The beach was very small, it was mostly rocks and very little sand. Naruto was standing on a particularly large rock that partially extended into the water. The beach's small size may have had to do with the currently high tide though, which made talking to the eel easier since Naruto could talk to it without getting into the water.

"Well, I figured I should..." Naruto replied.

"Hmph, so you said it was the demon that let you summon me? Interesting." The eel muttered to itself, "Why me?"

_"Yeah, why the eel?"_

_**"Well, we were near a river, I figured something aquatic would be good."**_

_"But why something that eats people?"_

_**"Carp are boring and flounder have weird eyes..."**_

_"Right..."_

"Well, it was kind of a random decision by the Kyuubi." Naruto said. "I don't have much control over what he lets me summon."

"I see." The eel seemed to think it over. "Well since it seems you are innocent, I won't hold it against you. And you showed some guts by telling me to shut up and then coming here to speak with me, I will not be angry if you were to summon me again, though I cannot speak for the rest of us. I don't think many would like being summoned without a contract in fact, regardless of species."

Naruto gulped, "R-right."

"Stop stuttering, it makes it hard for me to believe what I just said." The eel narrowed its eyes.

"Sorry..."

"And don't apologize, it's a sign of weakness." The eel snapped.

"S-so-... err, OK."

"Better." The eel nodded. "Now I'm going to go find a merchant ship to terrorize before I go back, I figure I can still get amusement out of that for a few more years..."

**. . .**

_"We had a deal?" _Naruto asked once he had gotten back to where he and Jiraiya were currently staying.

_**"Right, right. So, summoning, hypnosis, ah yes, tail number four would be a personal favorite, chakra fire!"**_

_"Chakra... fire?"_

_**"A very special ability. It was a pain in the ass gathering enough chakra to get **_**that **_**one."**_

_"What's it do?"_

_**"Basically, it allows you to use my chakra like fire, except it's strong enough to make an Uchiha no more impressive than a match... assuming you can control it. That, and you better hope you don't hit something you don't want burned."**_

_"I... think I get the picture."_

_**"Right, well tail number five makes you as sexy as me."**_

_"Hmph..."_

_**"You wanna go there again?"**_

_"No..." _Naruto sighed.

_**"Good. Tail number six gives you enhanced senses. Kinda like when that brat Kiba uses his beast form thing, but better."**_

_"But wasn't that what let me beat him?"_

_**"Kid, I hate to break it to you, but FARTING is NOT a useful combat technique. If the other demons heard about that I'd be fucking humiliated. Especially the Ichibi, that bastard's really fucking annoying, I enjoyed kicking his ass back then."**_

_"Uhhh, r-right..."_ Naruto twitched.

_**"Where were we?" **_The Kyuubi grumbled.

_"Uh, tail seven?"_

_**"Right, seven, well, that one is dedicated to a technique."**_

_"And?"_

_**"You'll be able to use a special illusion on someone, basically, our own little version of that bastard Itachi's Tsukuyomi. Sadly, not quite as able to mess someone up, but it'll do."**_

_"So, it does what exactly?"_

_**"Remember in the forest of death when that Orochimaru guy scared the living shit out of your teammates?"**_

_"Uhh, yeah."_

_**"Think of that but times ten. Basically, you let your target experience every shred of hate and desire to kill I have in my body. About a 99% chance of them pissing their pants."**_

_"That's it?"_

_**"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'THAT'S IT?'"**_

_"I've lived with you for fourteen years, you're not that scary."_

_**. . .**_

"Oi, Naruto, I'm ba-. . . Naruto?" Jiraiya looked down at Naruto who was currently curled up in a ball on the floor, "Are you OK?" He didn't get a response. "Naruto, seriously, answer me."

"Sc-scary." Was all Naruto could manage to say.

"Oh crap, did you read that new sex scene in my book? I was afraid it was too explicit..." Jiraiya sighed. Kakashi never would learn why that chapter was such a let down...

**. . .**

"_**Sooo, I didn't break you did I?" The Kyuubi asked the next day.**_

"_Bastard."_ Naruto replied.

"_**You asked fo-"**_

"_BASTARD!"_

"_**OOOK then... someone's in a bad mood."**_

"_THAT WAS SCARY DAMMIT!"_

"_**I was proving a point. Don't make me call you what Jiraiya does." **_The Kyuubi threatened.

"_You wouldn't dare." _Naruto growled.

"_**Gak-"**_

"GAH! SHUT UP!"Naruto yelled... out loud.

"WAH! DAMMIT NARUTO! You made me ruin the page I was working on! Now I have to rewrite it!" Jiraiya shouted, crumpling the ruined page and throwing it at Naruto's head.  
_**  
**_"Perverted old man." Naruto grumbled, tossing the paper back at him... and missing. "Your books suck!"

"Why you little ingrate! Is that any way to talk to me!" Jiraiya said angrily, standing and turning to glower at Naruto.

"Hmph, if you spent half the time training me that you do writing that smut or peeping, I'd be able to become a Jounin dammit!" Naruto glared back.

_**"Oooh, harsh." **_The Kyuubi chuckled, rather amused now.

"Oh, you want training huh? Well fine then. Your taijutsu quite frankly sucks, maybe you wouldn't have let Sasuke get away if you had actually been able to fight properly!" Jiraiya shouted, but instantly regretted his choice of words when he saw the pained look on Naruto's face. "Err, uhh, I didn't mean that Naruto, it just slipped out, I-"

"Alright old man... let's get training." Naruto said quietly, but it held a hint of danger to it.

"_**You wanna kick his ass right? Well I might not be a taijutsu master... being a fox... but I have seen plenty of fights. I am really old after all. We're bonded so I can project ideas into your subconscious, and you should be able to act on them. Do that enough and it'll start to come naturally to you. Kill two birds with one stone. Kick his ass. And then kick someone else's ass later. Many asses in fact."**_ The Kyuubi said, grinning with anticipation.

_"Fine..."_ Naruto replied in a monotone. However the Kyuubi could sense the powerful repressed emotions of anguish... and anger. He liked it.

"_I'm getting a bad feeling about this..." _Jiraiya gulped.

**. . .**

"Alright Naruto, that's enough training for now. You should take a break, you must be tired by now. Please, Kami, let him be tired!" Jiraiya panted. He was having trouble keeping up with Naruto all of a sudden. The boy was like an animal. An animal that new some serious taijutsu. He knew Naruto was a bit of a brawler with no real fighting style, but his current taijutsu was a mixed bag from many taijutsu forms.

He recognized the academy form, Gai's form, even some of the Hyuuga's form. Hell, he was using moves that he didn't even recognize. However, Jiraiya was still winning... in a way. He could have easily decimated the boy if he wanted to, but he didn't want to hurt him too much. However, he was exhausted, while Naruto was only just starting to breathe a little harder.

He hated getting old, even with Naruto's freakish amount of stamina, he would have been able to keep up if only he wasn't just turning 51. Sure he was in excellent shape for his age, but his body just couldn't keep up as well anymore. He felt himself starting to grow tired faster, and some thing's just weren't as easy as they used to be.

"I don't want to rest, I want to train. Like you said, if I was stronger... if I was stronger then..." Naruto balled his hands into fists, shaking with pent up emotions.

"I said I'm sorry dammit, you're an excellent ninja. You beat a Hyuuga for crying out loud. You're the best genin in Konoha!" Jiraiya argued.

"I beat Neji because of the Kyuubi, I'm only alive because of the damn Kyuubi. The Kyuubi made my life hell, and now the only reason I can do anything is because he helps me!" Naruto shouted. "I want to be able to do things with my own strength!"

Jiraiya sighed, "I see... that makes sense. Look, you're a hero Naruto, just having that Kyuubi inside you is enough. But the fact that you're still a happy go lucky moron despite all the abuse you've been through, the fact that you've protected this village despite how it treated you..." Jiraiya let the sentence trail off.

"THAT'S MY POINT! IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THE KYUUBI!" Naruto shouted.

"Yes. You're the boy who is strong enough to keep that damn fox inside you and persevere through all the trials life has thrown at you because of that. That's all you Naruto. Having the Kyuubi inside of you is part of who you are. Don't reject that. Tame the fox Naruto, make him your strength, not just a fall back in emergencies." Jiraiya said.

"_**TAME ME! Oh you son of a bitch! GIVE ME CONTROL! I AM KICKING HIS WRINKLY OLD ASS!" **_The Kyuubi roared.

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked.

"Look, having the Kyuubi in you gives you a chakra network bigger than most Jounin. That also means you need to have much more precise chakra control to pull off jutsu successfully. Otherwise you'll overcharge them and mess up. It's why you can use the Kage Bunshin jutsu so well, it's a technique that uses a lot of chakra, so it compensates for you. Jutsu that use less chakra will be more difficult for you."

"Are you going anywhere with this." Naruto asked, starting to get bored. He felt like this was turning into a lecture.

"Hey! Have some patience!" Jiraiya grumbled.

"I get it... I have a lot of chakra and I suck at controlling it." Naruto muttered dejectedly.

"Yes, and there are two answers to this problem. Either improve your chakra control, or teach you some big ass jutsu." Jiraiya said.

"Ooh ooh! Teach me jutsu!" Naruto's eyes instantly brightened.

" _**You are so easy..." **_The Kyuubi sighed.

"It's not that easy. I don't want to just teach you a bunch of dangerous techniques and have you kill yourself." Jiraiya shook his head.

"But you just said!" Naruto complained.

"Oh calm down, I'll probably still end up teaching you how to level half of Konoha, but I need time to think. Hell I don't even know what kind of chakra you have." Jiraiya sighed.

"Chakra?" Naruto cocked his head to the side in confusion.

"You know, your element. There are five and every ninja has _at least_ one they can use better than the others." Jiraiya explained. "There's a way to test it but I didn't think to bring the supplies."

_**"Pheh, pathetic. Can't even tell your own element without a stupid paper test." **_The Kyuubi snorted. _**"You have the fuuton element by the way."**_

_"Really?" _Naruto asked.

_**"Yeah, you can 'blow' the competition away. Literally. Or even better, cut them into tiny little meat chunks and eat them."**_ The Kyuubi chuckled.

_" That's sick..."_ Naruto turned a little green. "Err, Jiraiya, my element is fuuton." He added out loud.

"Oh? How do you know?" Jiraiya asked.

" Err, well, uh, Kakashi tested me." Naruto repleid after thinking of a good excuse. He didn't want anyone to know he was chatting with the Kyuubi just yet.

_**"Aww, do I embarrass you? I'm sorry dear."**_ The Kyuubi said in his best feminine voice. Which was terrible.

Naruto shuddered slightly, _"Never... do that... again. Ever."_

_**"Right, once a week, got it."**_

"So fuuton huh?" Jiraiya thought. "Interesting. That actually works in your favor somewhat."

"Huh?" Naruto asked.

"Well wind beats lightning." Jiraiya sighed. "Meaning you can beat Chidori."

" Oh..." Naruto looked at the ground.

_**"Oh here we fucking go."**_ The Kyuubi grumbled. _**"You know what kit? You know what? You need to get fucking laid. Really, really bad."**_

. . .

Jiraiya ended up not teaching Naruto anything that day, but as Naruto laid in bed, he did something he rarely did. He started talking to the Kyuubi.

"_Hey, geezer." Naruto said._

"_**I know you're not talking to me." **_The demon growled.

"_Yeah, I'm talking to the other demon in my head." _Naruto muttered._ "Hmph, you're the one who said you were old."_

"_**I'm a demon, I'm fucking ageless, I'm neither youthful nor elderly. I'm timeless. I am epi-"**_

_"I had a question." _Naruto cut him off.

"_**. . . what?" **_The Kyuubi barely kept itself from roaring in anger.

"_Why do you have to reserve so much chakra for these abilities. I mean, Kiba can do his beast form thing, why do you need an entire tail for something similar?" _Naruto asked.

"_**Hm, a surprisingly good question." **_The Kyuubi said.

"_Are we gonna start that again?"_Naruto sighed.  
_**  
"Hm, maybe later. But for now I'll just answer. Look, the sensory enhancement is far better than the Inuzuka's shitty little beast form. It does more than make you into a pseudo werewolf-"**_  
_**  
**__"Pseuwhat?"_

"_**Fake?"**_

_"Oh..."_

The Kyuubi sighed, _**"It enhances everything, by a lot, and without turning you into a slavering idiot. It makes you react faster, see better, hear and smell better. The works. It pretty much mutates you temporarily. But it is a constant chakra drain to use my own reserves for it. It's not that bad, but in a long term fight, the drain could add up. So instead I reserved a tail for it. Enough chakra to maintain it for weeks on end."**_

_"Oh, I guess that makes sense."_ Naruto nodded slightly.

_**"I guess that makes sense."**_ The Kyuubi mocked. _**"Like I said last time. Of course it makes sense. Now stop saying that."**_

_"Touchy... sheesh."_ Naruto rolled his eyes.

" _**You're annoying. Hmph. To finish explaining, I chose a few abilites I wanted to be available at all times. Abilities that I wanted us to be able to use without excessively straining my chakra reserves. So I compressed as much chakra as I could into my tails. Unfortunately I was running low in our last big fight so I had to drain a lot of extra from one of the tails to heal you, which is why we lost elemental control. I figured it was the one you could live without." **_The Kyuubi finished.

"_I would have preferred that over the one that supposedly makes me more attractive. I don't need that." _Naruto grumbled.

"_**Give me a bit to finish laughing." **_The Kyuubi taunted. _**"Trust me kit, you're gonna need all the help you can in that department."**_

" _Why couldn't I have gotten a different demon..." _Naruto sighed.

"_**How rude! I'll have you know I am the BEST demon of all the demons. THE BEST!" **_The Kyuubi boasted.

_"More like the most aggravating." _Naruto groaned.

"_**Only with you cuz you're **_**special**_**." **_The Kyuubi laughed.

"_Right... I was thinking more along the lines of cursed. Now be quiet so I can sleep." _Naruto ordered.

"_**Lalalalala-"**_

_"SHUT UP!"_

* * *

**And there you have it folks. Chapter 2. Just so you know, fuuton means wind element... or something like that. Basically, in the context of this chapter, it means Naruto is a wind user. Which is canon by the way. But if you're a _real_ fan you already knew that**

**I anxiously await your reviews!**

**One last note, when the Kyuubi threatened to call Naruto what Jiraiya does, he meant he was going to call him gaki, which means brat I believe.**


	3. Too Sexy For His Shirt

**Well, this fic is on it's way to fame and fortune! Well... fame anyway. Unless you want to pay me that is. But then Kishimoto could sue me. Fucking copyright laws.**

**Anyway, I got nothin' to say except thanks for all the favorites/alerts/reviews. Especially the reviews. I love reviews. They make me happy. Like, Kyuubi tormenting Naruto happy. Which is pretty damn happy. *hint hint***

* * *

**Too Sexy For His Shirt**

Sakura sighed. These days she was either lonely, bored, or exhausted. Sometimes all of the above. Sasuke was gone... Naruto was gone... and Tsunade was a royal fucking _bitch. _OK maybe that was a bit excessive, but old Chesty McRack-Boob had a horrible temper and was drunk a lot. Or she had a hangover which made things ten times worse. But she wouldn't give up, she'd keep training for Naruto. Wait... why had she worded it that way in her head?

She _was_ training to help Naruto, but not _for_ Naruto... right? If anything she was training for Sasuke.

"_**Don't be so sure... we've kissed Naruto twice!"**_ Her inner self said.

"_ON THE CHEEK!"_ She argued.

"_**Someone's in deni~al."**_ Her inner replied in a sing-song voice.

"Gah!" She punched herself in the forehead, and was instantly greeted by a massive headache. She did this a lot now. She'd already broken two doors with her new found strength from Tsunade's training, "Owwwww!" She whined. She had to get to the bottom of this problem of hers. She decided to get the advice of a stalker.

"Hey Hinata!" Sakura yelled out when she saw the girl. She had to repress a frown of jealousy. The damn Hyuuga had breasts befitting an adult and she was barely 15. Her own breasts had barely grown at all over the last year.

"O-oh, hi Sakura-chan." Hinata said as the roseate girl approached her.

"I need to ask you something." Sakura said.

"What?"

"Why do you like Naruto?" Sakura asked quite candidly causing Hinata to turn bright red and choke slightly in surprise.

"Wh-what!" Hinata asked, feeling as though she was about to have a heart attack.

"You heard me. You're always following him and turn red around him... it's kinda obvious." Sakura said.

"_Oh no! Sakura likes him and she wants to get rid of me!" _Hinata thought, _"I don't stand a chance, Naruto likes her way more than me."_ She felt like crying.

"Hinata?" Sakura asked to get her attention again.

"Well... uhh, h-he's brave and he's always smiling, even though a lot of people used to be m-mean to him he always smiled." Hinata explained, _"Like you, you worthless whore!"_ Hinata nearly gasped aloud at the thoughts that went through her own head. That was new...

"I see, we-" Sakura was cut off as Hinata continued.

"And he's really kind, I mean I've seen him be a little selfish, but at the same time he always thinks about others... and..." Hinata's face had turned scarlet again, she was thinking about Naruto so much. His big grin, his bright blue eyes. She wished he'd stare deep into hers with them. She wanted him to kiss her passionately, she wanted him to touch her tenderly and wrap his strong arms around her, their naked bodies- Her eyes widened and she stiffened, it was only in her mind and it had been getting so intense!

"Hinata, are you OK? You're really red..." Sakura said.

"I-I-I-I'm f-fine..." Hinata replied, "I-I need to g-go home and f-finish... something." She stuttered and ran off.

"Finish something?" Sakura raised a confused eyebrow as she watched Hinata's form shrink in the distance, "She's so weird." She shook her head. But she had a lot of good things to say about Naruto... and Sakura realized they were all pretty much true. He was a good person... perhaps... better than Sasuke?

**. . .**

"_**Let's go pick up chicks!"**_ The Kyuubi suddenly blurted out.

"_Dammit, what have I told you about suddenly talking!"_ Naruto clutched his chest, nearly having had a heart attack from shock.

"_**. . . don't?"**_

"_Exactly."_

"_**And **_**that's **_**why I do it!"**_

_". . . so chicks eh?"_ Naruto asked.

"_**Yep!" **_The Kyuubi replied.

"_Why do we need baby chickens? Are you hungry for the souls of baby animals or something?"_ Naruto asked.

_**"I-... you-... err-... ARE YOU REALLY THAT FUCKING STUPID!"**_ The Kyuubi roared, _**"I MEANT WOMEN!"**_

_"I know." _Naruto grinned.

"_**You son of a... I'm so proud."**_

"_Right. Anyways. No."_

"_**Why noooot?" **_The Kyuubi whined, _**"You never let me have any fun!"**_

"_Gah, you sound like a little kid."_

"_**I'm trying to annoy you into saying yes." **_The Kyuubi said.

"_Keep trying."_ Naruto rolled his eyes.

"_**K."**_

"_Wait... no! Don't keep trying!" _Naruto replied hastily. What had he done!

"_**ComeonComeonComeonComeonComeonComeonComeonComeon-"**_

_"OK OK! JUST SHUT UP!" _Naruto shouted mentally.

"_**I win." **_

_**. . .**_

"Hmph... how the hell do you pick up chicks anyway?" Naruto muttered out loud. His hands were in his pockets and his head was down, trying to _not_ attract any attention. And he was in a bad mood.

"_**Damn you're pathetic. Well first you have to... umm... first you have to... shit..."**_ The Kyuubi sighed, _**"I'm a fucking demonic fox, I kill shit, I don't know how to get women, dumb ass!"**_

"_Hey, don't turn this on me, this was _your _idea!" _Naruto argued.

"_**Yeah, well... hm." **_The Kyuubi grinned inside as he saw something through Naruto's eyes, _**"Let's try in there!" **_He sent an image to Naruto's mind so he knew what he meant.

"_A... dojo?" _Naruto looked confused, starting at the modest wooden structure.

"_**Yes, a women only dojo too. Strong, fit women, perfect for a ninja like yourself!"**_ The Kyuubi chuckled evilly. He also knew they'd probably beat the shit out of Naruto if he made a misstep.

"_I don't know... I like Sakura, this feels wrong."_ Naruto sighed.

_**"Kit, I hate to break it to you, but she likes that emo bastard and the only reason she showed you any affection is because of me. Time to move on. Hell, if you're really burning for her, use this to get some experience and then go back, take her, and then wow her with your sexual prow-" **_

_"GAH! STOP!" _Naruto shuddered, _"That's just wrong!"_

"_**Fiiine." **__The Kyuubi sighed, __**"We'll take it slow then to make you feel better..."**_

"_I was thinking about not taking it at all..."_ Naruto grumbled.

_**"These women will be sweaty and tired, and with great figures... they'll probably want to go to a hot springs after to relax. Get one of the less self conscious ones to like you and maybe she'll invite you to go with her..." **_The Kyuubi said in an off-hand manner.

"_Well... maybe it wouldn't hurt to get a little experience for Sakura..." _Naruto chuckled perversely.

_**"Now you're talking."**_

"Alright girls that's enough for today." A tall athletic woman said. Her face was starting to show its age slightly, but considering she was turning forty, she looked damn good, "You all did good, especially you Tomiko." She nodded at one of her younger students.

"You should stop praising her so much." One of her higher ranking students said, "Her head will pop if it gets much bigger." She grinned.

"Shigeko!" Tomiko crossed her arms, blushing in embarrassment.

"Oi oi, you're bugging me, get out of here!" The elder woman smirked. Her students bowed respectfully and quickly vacated the dojo.

Outside Tomiko noticed a strange boy seeming deep in thought, his expressions changing as if he was having a conversation. She also noticed he had a Konoha head band... and the brightest blue eyes she had ever seen. Suddenly he looked up and directly at her, and she felt her face get hot from embarrassment... she had been staring. And she still was. Why wasn't she looking away, he was looking right at her, there was no way he wasn't noticing. Stop... stop it... stop staring! She shook her head violently.

Oh great, now she looked stupid. He was even staring at her with a confused look on his face. She sighed, she might as well talk to him or something, make sure he didn't think she was insane. At least, that's what she told herself her reason was.

"Err, hi." She said to him.

"Hi." He answered awkwardly.

"Umm, sorry for staring at you... we don't see many people like you around." She motioned to his headband.

"Oh, heh, I guess I kind of stand out." He grinned, and she actually found herself smiling, it was kind of infectious.

"Your hair isn't exactly normal either." She giggled.

"Am I that weird?" He asked.

"Yeah, kinda, but I don't mind. It makes you unique!" She said.

"I guess that's one way of looking at it." He chuckled.

"I'm Tomiko, what's your name?" Tomiko asked.

"Uzumaki Naruto!" He grinned enthusiastically.

Tomiko giggled, "I guess you like your name huh?"

"Well it's the only one I've got." Naruto laughed.

"_**Damn kit, not bad..."**_ The Kyuubi said, surprised, _**"Though, uhh, I've seen better."**_ He quickly added.

"I guess it would be." Tomiko said.

"So, you train at that dojo?" Naruto asked.

"Yeah." The girl replied, "Ugh, that just reminds me, I'm all sweaty from training." She tugged at her outfits collar, revealing a little cleavage. Being a top that was held shut only by a belt... the cleavage stayed visible even after she took her hand away.

_**"Ooh, surprisingly chesty, nice..."**_ The Kyuubi commented.

Naruto shifted uncomfortably at that, "So... uhh..."

"Errr..." Tomiko had run out of things to say, "M-maybe I'll see you again sometime?"

"Maybe." Naruto said.

"Bye." Tomiko nodded and turned to walk away, _"Stupid stupid! See him again? He's a ninja I'll never see him again!_" She walked faster so she could get to the town hot spring and just relax. She hung her head, "What's the point of being the best in class if I'm too lame to even talk to a guy properly." She groaned.

"How can you be lame if you're the best? If you want to hear lame I got a ton of real examples." She heard from behind her.

"N-Naruto?" Her eyes widened and she turned around.

"Yeah, so... what was that about guys?" Naruto asked.

"You... heard that..." Tomiko blushed, "Well, uhhh, I-I'm just more used to hanging around with girls in the dojo..." She lied. Well, it wasn't entirely untrue, but still.

"Oh. Well, I didn't want to just let you walk off and never see you again or something. Think we could talk again sometime?" He asked.

"S-sure!" She smiled widely, _"Lucky, lucky, lucky!"_ She practically squealed in her head, "Though, it wouldn't be hard to find me, I come here everyday." She giggled.

"Oh... well, maybe I could see you tomorrow then?" Naruto asked.

"That would work, normally I just go to the hot springs and then home, it'll be nice to have something else to do." She laughed slightly.

"Cool, see you later then!" Naruto grinned.

_"That grin really is infectious." _Tomiko thought as he ran off, _"And those eyes... and... wait, am I swooning?"_

"_**Un-fucking-believable!"**_ The Kyuubi grumbled.

"_What? Surprised I can pick up girls?"_ Naruto grinned triumphantly.

"_**I'm disappointed that you just left without getting into the hot springs with her, or at least trying to see her and all her fellow students naked!"**_

"_In other words you wish I was more like Jiraiya?" _Naruto replied with a sigh.

"_**Well... in this case yeah, kinda."**_

"_You suck."_

"_**Well if you'd just listen to me, you could be saying that about girls!"**_

"_Yeah, well... what?"_

"_**Oh right, you're a naïve moron, never mind..."**_

"_Screw you!"_

"_**. . . same response. . ."**_

"_What the hell are you talking about!" _Naruto shouted, baffled.

"_**Just stop talking before I completely lose all faith in you, please..." **_The Kyuubi sighed.

"_Hmph, whatever. I actually wanted to ask something."_

"_**What?" **_The Kyuubi sighed.

"_How much of that was me, and how much of that was you messing with her head?" _Naruto asked.

"_**Oh, uhh, that. That was totally me. Totally calling it. I mean really, that girl was so put off by you I'm surprised even **_**I** _**could sway her. But hey, I'm awesome."**_ At this, Naruto could barely contain his laughter,

"_So you didn't do anything then?"_

"_**Are you retarded! What the hell did I just say!"**_

"_A bunch of crap that you thought of on the fly to make me feel lame."_

"_**Yeah? Well, you know what? I hate you."**_

"_HEY!"_

"_**Sorry, did I offend you?"**_

"_You stole my line!"_

**"_. . ."_**

_**. . .**_

"Ah, there you are Naruto, where were you?" Jiraiya asked as Naruto entered their inn room.

"Messing around, I was bored." Naruto shrugged.

"Well when you're bored it wouldn't be bad to train, I know you like training." Jiraiya said, _"Kami do I know... I'm only 51 and I've nearly blown out my hip twice trying to keep up with him! Wow that's really sad when I think about it..."_

"I can't just train constantly, I'll die of exhaustion." Naruto argued.

"Pfft, yeah, sure, exhaustion." Jiraiya rolled his eyes, "Anyway, I was thinking about what we should work on next, I was wondering if you had any ideas."

"Big jutsu?" Naruto suggested.

"For the last damn time, not yet!" Jiraiya grumbled, "And I want more than a two word answer!"

"Fine... well, my element is wind right?" Naruto asked.

"Yeah, and?" Jiraiya raised an eyebrow.

"Well, maybe I should work on learning how to use it." Naruto said.

"Hmm, yeah, sounds reasonable, except I don't know how to use that element very well. I couldn't teach you much." Jiraiya sighed.

"Wait! I've got it! Maybe..." Naruto laughed excitedly.

"Well spit it out!" Jiraiya urged.

"OK, so there are five elements right?"

"Yeah..."

"And five villages right?"

"Go on..."

"Each village specializes in one of those elements right?"

"I see where this is going, you think we should go to Suna." Jiraiya nodded.

"Yeah, I mean, didn't we just ally ourselves with them or something?" Naruto asked.

"We did, and, hey, yeah, I think you're on to something. We could possibly convince them to give you a little help. They won't be in a rush to teach you anything special, but it is definitely the best place for wind training." Jiraiya laughed heartily, "I guess you do have a brain in there somewhere!"

"Hey!" Naruto shouted, but grinned.

"We'll head there first thing tomorrow, it's a fair ways from here."

"Yeah, su- WHAT?" Naruto's jaw dropped, he had plans for tomorrow!

"Yep, we're done with this town, I think I may have pissed off the brothel too. Tomorrow it is!"

_"Cr-crap..."_

"_**Dammit, I wanted to see her naked."**_

"_Shut up."_

_**. . .**_

"_**Hm, I'm getting deja-vu."**_ The Kyuubi said.

"_Huh?"_ Naruto asked.

"_**Oh right, this isn't the first time you snuck out to visit a girl at an ungodly hour."**_

_"Sh-shut up!" _It was true though, he had decided to go find Tomiko before he left to say gooodbye.

"_**Won't Sakura feel less special if she found out?"**_

"_I SAID SHUT UP!"_

"_**Don't you get it by now? I torture you because it brings me great joy. It's like Christmas every day!"**_ Naruto just grumbled angrily, _**"Wait, do you even know where she lives?"**_

"_Son of a..."_

"_**Fine, I'll help you out this one time. Go to the dojo, if she's not there, maybe someone who knows where she lives will be."**_

"_Err, thanks?"_

"_**Err? You thank me with a fucking err?"**_

"_. . . you actually care?"_

"_**Not really. But still, I-, OK you're right I don't give a shit, just go!"**_

Naruto arrived at the dojo. The sun was barely high enough in the sky to cast any light and the place looked empty.

"Crap." Naruto muttered under his breath. He began to walk away, when he noticed someone entering from a rear entrance as he passed by an alley. He uickly ran over and saw it was a slightly older woman,

"Err, hey, do you go to this place?" Naruto asked. The woman looked over at him,

"Hm? Yeah, I run the place, and no you can't join we only accept girls." She said and turned to enter.

"_**Ooh, this one has an attitude. And she's hot. Big respect if you bang her!"**_

"_B-bang?"_

"_**Sex?"**_

_"WHAT THE HELL! She's like... in her thirties!"_

"_**Exactly, experience."**_

"_You're messed up..."_

"Oh, I don't need to join I'm a ninja, see?" Naruto pointed at his headband, trying not to let his discomfort at the Kyuubi's words show.

"A ninja huh? What do you want then?" She asked.

"Do you have a student named Tomiko?"

"Maybe."

"Oh, well, I talked to her yesterday and I'm supposed to meet her again today but my plans changed and I have to leave town. I was hoping I could talk to her before I go, do you know where she lives?"

"Oh, well that sounds like a reasonable request." The woman said.

"Really? Cool!" Naruto grinned triumphantly.

"No." The woman crossed her arms.

"Wh-what? But you just said-" Naruto nearly face faulted in surprise.

"She's one of my students, I'm not giving her address to some punk I met in an alleyway." The woman snapped harshly.

"PUNK? I'm a ninja!" Naruto shouted angrily.

"Even worse, you know how to kill. Hmph, if you want to meet her so bad use your ninja skills to find her or something." The woman ignored his outburst.

"B-but..." Naruto hung his head. The woman sighed,

"Then again if she ends up getting upset then I have to deal with it. Hmph, fine, I'll consider it if you answer some questions." The woman sighed.

"Like what?" Naruto asked, now a bit more hopeful.

"Why are you here? Ninja business?" She began her interrogation.

"Wh-why does that mat-" Naruto was confused now.

"ANSWER!"The woman roared.

"Uh, uh, a training trip!" Naruto answered, terrified. Dammit, women were scary...

"Training for what? Do ninja normally go on "training trips"?" The woman stared at him suspiciously.

"Err, maybe?"

"What the hell kind of answer is that!" She snapped.

"I-I don't know if other ninja do it a lot, I guess they might. I don't think my trip is very normal though..."

"Oh really? Why is that?"

"I-I don't want to talk about it." Naruto muttered, looking away.

"Look kid, I'm not one to pry, but you're gonna have to talk if you want me to answer your question." She could tell the subject bothered him, and not just because he was trying to hide something.

"I made a promise." Naruto sighed.

"Oh?" The woman raised an eyebrow.

"My best friend betrayed us and left and I promised my other friend I'd make him come back, but he's stronger than me and I failed the first time I tried." Naruto gave the short version, "She gave me another chance and I'm not gonna mess it up again!"

"Well that's very manly of you. I wish there were guys like you in this town. That's why I opened this dojo you know, there are too many assholes around and I want my girls to be safe." She said.

"You think so?" Naruto smiled slightly at the compliment.

"Yeah, your description is kinda vague but your eyes tell me it's true. Eyes rarely lie. And to be honest you don't seem like a good liar. Not a good trait for a ninja if you ask me, but in this case it works in your favor." She said, "Alright kid, I'll tell you where she lives, but I swear if you hurt her I'll find you and when I'm done with you, you won't be a man anymore if you know what I mean."

_"Err, translation?"_ Naruto gulped.

"_**Imagine a rusty knife."**_

"_O-OK..."_

"_**Now imagine it slowly cutting your balls off."**_

"_WHA?" _

"_**That's what she means..."**_

"_Oh..." _Naruto shuddered, "I won't hurt her, I promise." Naruto gave a nervous smile.

"Right, and if she wonders how you found her tell her Hitomi-sensei thought you seemed trustworthy." She said.

Naruto nodded, "OK, thanks!"

**. . .**

_**"Wish. Fucking. Granted. I can now leave this town without regret."**_ The Kyuubi said.

"_Shut up! It's wrong!"_

"_**You know you want to watch..."**_ Naruto had gone to Tomiko's house, but was used to things back and Konoha and had gone to the girl's window. Where she had been changing her clothes.

_"No!"_

_**"Yes you do..."**_

_"It's wrong!"_

_**"Best things in life usually are... or something like that. You're a ninja, play it right and she'll never know. I was right too, she's got a nice pair up there."**_

_". . . well. . . umm. . . n-no! No way!"_

_**"Dammit, almost had you! Hmph, she's probably done now, go talk to her." **_The Kyuubi grumbled.

_"Right." _Naruto went back to the window... and nearly fell to the ground out of surprise. She wasn't done yet, _"DAMMIT! LIAR!" _

_**"What? I can't see through walls, I can't tell if she's done or not... hmm... seeing through walls..."**_ The Kyuubi laughed perversely.

_**"**Why would you even care? You have a thing for naked teenage girls? That's just creepy."_

_**"Right, I'll just go find some demon porn. Oh right, they don't make that. Jackass..."**_

_"You're a sick bastard..."_

_**"No, I'm fucking evil. Us evil guys have a thing for young human girls apparently. Go read a damn fairy tale. That is if you know how to."**_

_". . ."_

_**"You should look through her window again."**_ Naruto just sighed, waited a few more minutes and checked the window again carefully. Finally she was dressed, so he tapped on it quietly. He winced as she shrieked in surprise.

"WHAT THE- . . . Naruto!" She clutched her chest, breathing heavily as the adrenaline slowly left her body.

"Heh, s-sorry, most people are used to that in Konoha." Naruto smiled apologetically.

"What is it? Wait, how do you know where I live? A-are you a stalker, oh no... please..." She looked like she was starting to panic.

"Huh? No no no! Err, your sensei told me where you lived."

"Sh-she did?"

"Yeah, she said something like 'tell her Hitomi-sensei said I look trustworthy,' yeah, that was it." Naruto said.

"Oh... OK... that sounds right." Tomiko sighed in relief, opening her window so they could hear each other better, "But that still doesn't explain why you're here."

"About that... I have to leave the town in like two hours." Naruto muttered unhappily.

"Why?"

"I'm traveling with someone who's training me and he decided it was a good time to leave." Naruto groaned.

"C-can't you talk to him." Tomiko asked, _"Noooo! I like him! Whyyyyy!" _She whined internally.

"I doubt it. He probably knows I don't want to but doesn't care. I made it pretty obvious when I freaked out after he said we were leaving today." Naruto sighed.

"W-will I ever see you again?" Tomiko asked.

"Err, well, maybe, this place is kinda on the way when I head back to Konoha eventually." Naruto thought.

"Really?"

"Y-yeah, sure I could definitely stop by here!" Naruto grinned.

"Can I hold you to it?" Tomiko asked.

"Definitely, it's a promise." Naruto nodded.

"Than come a bit closer will you?" Tomiko said slyly, blushing a little.

"Uhh, OK..." Naruto looked confused but leaned closer to the window... and suddenly Tomiko grabbed his face and kissed him. On the lips.

"There, now you can't forget!" She said, crossing her arms, face red as a tomato.

"Uh... O... K..." Naruto replied dazedly, mind reeling from the sudden kiss.

"Umm, y-you're not mad are you?" Tomiko asked.

"N-no... just... unexpected." Naruto laughed nervously.

"Well, I hate awkward goodbyes, so, maybe you should just go... or something." Tomiko said, _"You hate awkward goodbyes? When's the last time you had an awkward goodbye? Idiot!"_

"Oh. OK. Well, see you in about a year I guess." Naruto said and jumped down to the ground.

_"A whole year then... great..." _Tomiko sighed, _"Not how I pictured my first relationship with a guy starting..."_

_**. . .**_

_"Dammit, I wanted my first kiss to be with Sakura-chan!"_

_**"Well-"**_

_"Mention the word experience and I'll... do... something... mean..." _Naruto grumbled in a failed attempt at a threat.

_**"I see. Well, poorly thought out threats aside, I was going say you could think of it as you can make Sakura the first girl you start a kiss with..."**_

_"Huh?"_

_**"Why must I explain everything? Tomiko started that last kiss, so with Sakura, you make the first move? Got it?"**_

_"Umm, yeah, that sounds good I guess..."_

_**"Good, now I don't have to listen to you whine. This day is going excellently, naked women, tormenting you, and no whining!"**_

_"Guess what?"_

_**"What?"**_

_"Ichibi."_

_**". . . fucking son of a whore."**_

* * *

**Naruto, you dog you! So yeah, that's what happened. I hope no one minds the use of the OC girl, the idea just kinda came to me and it seemed funny. Information on pairings will not be disclosed at this time... I like to keep the mystery alive. I'll give you a hint though, the first letter in their name can be found in the alphabet. Hehe... **

**(Note: Before anyone says anything, yes, I did borrow a line from NTAS. If you don't know what NTAS stands for, well, then you probably don't know what I'm talking about anyway. Google it if you must know. Actually, I recommend doing so.)**


	4. Deserts Are Hot

**Now with 100% more Gaara. Fanwh-... I mean fan_girls_ rejoice.**

**Well, sorry this took so long. My original draft got destroyed when my laptop got smashed, so I ended up having to start over. Whenever I have to start over it always takes me a while to get my motivation back. Not to mention I wanted to work on some other ideas and blah blah excuses excuses you people don't give a crap about all that do you?  
**

**Lastly, thanks for 25+ reviews in three chapters. At this rate we'll hit 100 in no time. And I'll be happy, oh so very happy.**

**

* * *

**

**Deserts Are Hot**

"_**Viiiiirgiiiiiin!"**_ The Kyuubi taunted for the-

"_For the hundredth damn time, I DON'T CARE! I like Sakura-chan, I'm not gonna do it with some random girl you point out!"_ Naruto yelled back mentally.

"_**So you admit you want to bang her!" **_The Kyuubi shouted.

"_Well... I'm not gonna say no I guess..."_ Naruto replied, his face turning a tad red.

"_**There is hope for you yet! But seriously, you're just gonna disappoint her if you're inexperienced. And then she'll be bored with you, and your relationship with her will fall apart, and then she'll spread rumors of your lack of sexual prowe-"  
**_

"_Sh-shut up!"_ Naruto stuttered angrily, with a hint of embarrassment mixed in.

_**". . . and-no-one-will-want-to-have-sex-with-you. . ." **_The Kyuubi finished quickly.

"_Wh-what?"_ Naruto blinked confusedly, not able to understand the rapid speech.

"_**Give it a moment..."**_

"_Errr... HEY!" _Naruto snapped as it finally hit him.

"_**Theeere we go."**_

**. . .**

"It's hooot!" Naruto bitched... again.

"Dammit Naruto! WE'RE IN A DESERT! OF COURSE IT'S HOT!" Jiraiya shouted angrily.

"And sandy..." Naruto whined.

"It's... a... desert..." Jiraiya grumbled.

"... and dry."

"SHUT UP NARUTO!" Jiraiya snapped. The desert surrounding Sunagakure was hellish enough without Naruto's constant complaints.

"Fiiiine." Naruto sighed miserably, "I'll stop complaining."

"_**FINALLY! I normally revel in your suffering, but I thought I was gonna lose it!"**_

"_Out loud..." _Naruto replied.

"_**Oh you son of a bi-"**_

"_IT'S HOOOOOT!"_

"_**FUCK YOU!"**_

**. . .**

"So this is it then?" Naruto asked, looking up at the large sandstone walls of the desert village.

"Yeah, sadly inside the village won't be much more comfortable than out here. Hopefully at least some of the buildings have air conditioning." Jiraiya said. "So if you happen to learn any wind jutsu that can cool us off..."

"I'm here to learn how to defend myself from Akatsuki." Naruto scowled.

"And I thought I was the serious one." Jiraiya rolled his eyes.

"No, you're the perverted one."

"And you've never peeked in the girls section of the hot springs?" Jiraiya looked down at Naruto suspiciously.

"Well..." Naruto looked away, clearly guilty.

"Exactly." Jiraiya said almost smugly, "Now lets get in there, no sense standing around in the sand." With that the two Konoha ninja headed into the village, only to be stopped by the guards.

"Konoha ninja huh? Didn't expect to see you around here." One said.

"We're allies now aren't we?" Jiraiya asked.

"I guess." Another replied. "Jiraiya right? What's your business here?"

"Well we're on a training trip, and my pupil here just happens to be a wind user, so since Suna specializes in wind..." Jiraiya let it trail off, his point was obvious enough.

"True, you should see the Kazekage though, he can help I'm sure." The first guard said.

"Right then, let's go Naruto." Jiraiya nodded.

**. . .**

As they walked towards the Kazekage's office, something was bothering Jiraiya,

"_The Kazekage... wait... oh crap, Naruto isn't going to like this..." _The sannin gulped as they walked through the doors of the office.

"Who... oh, Naruto-san?" The Kazekage, Gaara, said. He was bit surprised, but his lack of overt emotions didn't let that show much.

It took a moment, but once it hit Naruto who the kage was, his jaw dropped like a lead weight,

"G-GAARA'S THE FUCKING KAZEKAGE! WHAT THE HELL!" The blond ninja freaked out. Gaara merely blinked confusedly in response.

"_**Shall I say it? Because I really don't care. Seeing you this freaked out is enough for me..." **_The Kyuubi said casually.

"Is that a bad thing?" Gaara finally asked. Jiraiya let out the breath he had been holding, glad that Gaara wasn't going to kill them all after Naruto's outburst.

"No no, Naruto's just umm, surprised..." Jiraiya assured him.

"Yeah... that's one way of putting it..." Naruto said flatly as his eye twitched wildly.

"Oh..." Gaara said, a bit uncomfortable. He wasn't a people person to put it lightly. "So... why are you here?"

"Training!" Jiraiya grinned, trying to lighten the mood. "Turns out Naruto's a wind type."

"I see, well, I'll make sure no one bothers you and have someone help you. It's the least I can do for Naruto-san." Gaara nodded.

"What's that mean?" Naruto looked confused.

"I may be the Kazekage, but there are still some who look at me and see the biju." Gaara leaned forward on his desk, his face gained a distant look to it. "It used to be I didn't understand what it was. My mother... died giving birth to me, leaving me alone with it inside me. It always protected me from any harm..."

"Is that why you were always referring to it as mother?" Naruto asked. Gaara nodded,

"It couldn't protect me from hate though, and it wouldn't let me escape from it." Gaara picked up a nearby letter opener and moved to stab his own wrist, but sand quickly shot out to block it. "Now of course I have no desire to do so, but back then it was different."

"So... what does this have to do with me?" Naruto asked, confused. Gaara looked up at Naruto,

"Thanks to you I learned how to move past all that. Because of you I managed to make enough people look past the demon and see me, enough to become Kazekage at least. I'm hoping eventually it will be everyone in the village. In short, I have you to thank for giving me back my life."

"Oh... umm, you're welcome?" Naruto wasn't sure what he should say. Before anyone else could speak, the door to the office opened,

"Gaara... oh, sorry I didn't know you were in a meeting." It turned out to be Gaara's sister, Temari. "Wait, I recognize you..." Her eyes widened in realization. "You're that kid who beat Gaara!"

"Heh, guilty..." Naruto laughed nervously.

"What are you doing here?" Temari scowled.

"Calm down Temari, would you prefer that he hadn't stopped me? Think about that for a moment." Gaara said.

". . . right." Temari shuddered slightly at the memory.

"_**Seriously though, that one-tailed bastard always annoyed the piss out of me. Loudmouthed asshole."**_ Kyuubi said.

"In fact, Temari, Naruto-san is here to train in the wind element..." Gaara looked to Temari.

"Wait... are you suggesting that _I _train him?" Temari asked incredulously.

"Well you _are_ very skilled in the element." Gaara nodded.

"Are you serious? I don't have time to do that!" Temari put her hands on her hips defiantly. Gaara was the kage, but he was also her brother. Ever since he had mellowed down, she had learned not to cringe every time he looked at her and thus wasn't scared of occasionally arguing with him.

"Really? I wasn't aware you had any pressing missions or other engagements." Gaara folded his hands calmly. Temari frowned and then sighed loudly,

"Fine..." She grumbled.

"_**Awesome." **_The Kyuubi chuckled.

"_Huh?"_ Naruto didn't get it.

"_**Boobs."**_

"_I hate you..."_

"_**And she's older..."**_

"_Stop it!"_

"_**And hot..."**_

"_. . ."_

**. . .**

"You're doing it wrong..." Temari sighed. Temari had led Naruto to one of the villages few training areas. The buildings in the village tended to be clustered close together to block the sand-filled winds, and thus any open area was unpleasant to be in when the winds kicked up. Areas like the training ground. Fortunately it was rather calm at the moment.

"Yeah? Well you _suck_ at explaining things." Naruto glared, pointing at her accusingly.

"Hmph, maybe you just suck at _learning._" Temari countered.

"Yeah... well... grr!" Naruto scowled, crossing his arms in annoyance.

"Dumbass..." Temari muttered.

"Hey!" Naruto snapped.

"Oh come on, you couldn't even think of a comeback!" Temari shouted. This was at least the fourth argument the two had had. Naruto was consistently failing to master even the simplest application of wind chakra. He couldn't make a feather hover over his hand, nor could he cut a leaf in half.

"_**I like this one." **_The Kyuubi laughed in aperverted manner.

"_You like anything that has breasts..." _Naruto grumbled.

"_**Touche."**_

"Could you just explain it again?" Naruto asked with a sigh.

Temari glared at him but then crossed her arms and acquiesced to his request,

"You have to visualize it, imagine your chakra becoming sharp if you want it to cut something, or imagine it swirling or blowing if you want to make wind." Temari explained.

"You already told me that..." Naruto complained.

"Because that's how it works, dumbass!" Temari snapped.

"_**Yeah... dumbass..."**_

"_Hmph, maybe I just need more motivation... maybe I should use her to practice on..." _Naruto growled mentally.

"_**Yeah, cut her clothes off." **_Kyuubi agreed.

"_Wait, what? I was just joking!"_ Naruto replied.

"_**So? It's an idea isn't it." **_

"_Well..."_

"_**If it works you're one step closer to using wind chakra, **_**and****_ you see her naked!"_**

"_You forget the part where she smashes my skull in..." _Naruto grumbled.

"_**No I didn't."**_

"_Bastard."_

"_**Actually, since I don't have any parents, I'm not."**_

"_. . . you. . . GAH!" _Naruto hadn't been prepared for that one.

"_**Bitch."**_

**. . .**

"Dammit Gaara, why do I have do this, this kid _sucks_." Temari ranted. Out loud.

"I can hear you." Naruto glared.

"Good." She muttered.

"_So...cut her clothes off?"_ Naruto said to the Kyuubi.

"_**Oh fuck yes, this is gonna be awesome!"**_ If the Kyuubi wasn't stuck in a cage inside Naruto and thus more than a disembodied voice in Naruto's head he'd be bouncing up and down excitedly... well actually he'd be taking a piss on the Yondaime's grave, but that was besides the point. Not to mention he didn't have a bladder.

"_The thing is though, she's right, I suck."_ Naruto sighed.

"_**I can help."**_

"_THEN WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU HELP ME EARLIER!"_ Naruto roared.

"_**Look kit, I'm not gonna hold your hand through everything, you **_**do****_ need to do things for yourself if you expect to get anywhere."_**

"_Normally I'd agree with you, but I know what's coming next."_

"_**And as we both know I revel in-"**_

"_My suffering, yeah yeah, I know, now let's get cutting." _Naruto grinned in anticipation, _"You _are_ gonna make this work, right?"_

"_**Of course, I just managed to convince you to do something bad. I'm enjoying this."**_

"_Suddenly I feel a bit guilty, but she's being a bitch so oh well."_ Naruto shrugged.

"What the hell are you grinning about?" Temari looked at him warily.

"You know Temari, you're not a very good teacher. But don't worry, you're gonna make it up to me." Naruto chuckled.

"I am, am I?" Temari raised an eyebrow.

"Sharp to cut right?" Naruto laughed almost maniacally as he walked over to the girl.

"Naruto, I don't know what the hell's going through your head but you have five seconds to turn around before I put you in a world of pain." Temari glared, taking a step back and grabbing her fan.

"Sorry, I only need about two." Naruto said. With that he made a few hand seals and with a wave of his hands... a gentle breeze washed over Temari.

"That's it?" Temari looked at him funny.

"Yep." Naruto put his hands behind his back and grinned.

"You're pathe-" Before Temari could finish her sentence, he clothing suddenly dropped off her body.

"And you're... hot." Naruto's eyes widened at the sight of Temari's breasts. In hindsight, he shouldn't have just stood there staring. But that's in hindsight.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Temari took her fan and smashed the blunt steel weapon into Naruto's head. He landed about fifty feet later.

"_**Forgot about that part, didn't you?" **_The Kyuubi asked.

"_. . . yep . . ." _Naruto was in too much pain to say much else.

"_**Worth it?"**_

"_Totally..."_

"_**Huh, I just realized something."**_

"_Eh?"_

"_**We just forcibly stripped Gaara's sister."**_

"_. . . awww, fuck." _Naruto face-palmed as he lay in the scorching hot sand in agony. His life was over.

"_**So... still worth it?"**_

"_Can I just suffer quietly please?"_

**. . .**

The next day, Naruto showed up where he was supposed to be meeting Temari everyday, even though he figured she probably wouldn't show up. He figured that it would likely be the last place Gaara would look for him when he got around to killing him.

"_**This is boring, she's not gonna show up, and if she does, Gaara will be with her and then it's all over."**_

"_So you're saying that you're scared of Shukaku?"_

"_**HELL NO! But are you really gonna fight Gaara if he shows up?"**_

"_I dunno, I might run though."_

"_**Ah, the bitch's way out."**_

"_Hey, I took him on when he was in full demon form and won! I'd just prefer to avoid doing it again."_

"_**Eh, fair enough. Just remember, I helped!"**_

"_Yeah yeah..."_

"Hmph, I figured you'd be hiding under a rock somewhere." Naruto suddenly heard. It was Temari.

"So... I assume Gaara's just around the corner ready to smash me?" Naruto asked nervously.

"No, actually." Temari sighed. "Though I certainly considered it."

_**"Eh?" **_The Kyuubi muttered in surprise. _**"OOH OOH! Maybe she liked it and wants to fu-"**_

"_Will you shut the hell up about sex? You're worse than Jiraiya."_

"**_What! No! I'm... oh shit I am..." _**The Kyuubi actually went quiet, considering this intensely.

"So, err, are you going to kill me yourself then?" Naruto asked, mentally preparing to run.

"Actually, I'm here to give you a second chance." Temari muttered.

"_That's... unexpected." _Naruto thought to himself.

"The way I see it, I really wasn't doing a good job teaching, and what you managed to accomplish was actually pretty impressive." Temari explained. "That said, you do that again and they won't be able to find enough of you to bury." She glared.

"G-got it." Naruto gulped.

"So, do we agree to forget anything ever happened and never speak of it again?" Temari asked.

"Heh, sure." Naruto grinned.

"You're thinking about it right now aren't you." Temari glared.

"Well we were just talking about it, it's kinda hard not to, give me a bit!" Naruto crossed his arms. Temari grumbled a few things incoherently, but decided not to pummel him just yet. Instead, she decided to just get to work helping Naruto train. The faster she got to it, the faster she could be done with him she figured.

**. . .**

"Fuuton: Kaze Heki!" Naruto slapped his palm on a block of sandstone, and blasted a hole clean through it. He had just mastered his third wind technique.

"Not bad." Temari nodded in approval.

"Hmph, that's all you have to say?" Naruto scowled.

"When you can use wind techniques well enough to cut down half a forest, then I'll be impressed." Temari smirked teasingly.

"Fine, fine." Naruto chuckled, not honestly offended. Once Naruto had started getting things right, his mood had improved, and so had his relationship with Temari. The only issue was, Naruto had failed to master any long ranged wind techniques. However, he decided it didn't matter. His fighting style was to get up close and personal anyway, and the wind style focused on cutting, so once he got a little better, he'd be extremely dangerous once he closed in on an opponent.

So far he had Kaze Heki, basically a short range wind cannon, Kaze Shurreda, a powered up version of what he'd used to strip Temari, and finally Kaze no Yaiba, a higher ranking jutsu that was nearly impossible to block. That last one had been a pain in the ass to master, but it was one of his most powerful techniques now. It was also the only one of the techniques that was not to some extent created by Naruto. Kaze Heki was a modified version of an existing jutsu, and Kaze Shurreda was created by him and the Kyuubi.

"So, should we try working on long range again, you should really have at least one." Temari suggested.

"Yeah I know, but I suck at them and Jiraiya says we can't stay much longer, not really enough time for me to figure it out." Naruto grumbled, rather disappointed by the fact.

"Oh..." Temari even seemed a bit disappointed herself.

"What? Gonna miss me?" Naruto winked suggestively, making Temari blush slightly.

"Oh shut up, moron!" Temari whacked him on the head lightly, but laughed.

It was about this time Naruto heard the Kyuubi start grumbling incoherently in his head, though the demon didn't actually say anything.

"_What's your problem, fox?"_ Naruto asked mentally.

"_**Go die in a hole on fire!"**_ The Kyuubi grunted.

"_Ooookay then, someone's having that time of the month..." _Naruto had to keep himself from rolling his eyes, as Temari was unaware of the secondary conversation going on.

"_**Fuck you!"**_

"Any idea where you're going next?" Temari asked, leaning against a nearby dead tree.

"No, Jiraiya doesn't really tell me much in advance. I usually just find out on the way." Naruto shrugged.

"Does it ever get lonely traveling with just that old pervert?" Temari had learned of Jiraiya's lecherous ways from Naruto.

"Kinda, but I've also been meeting people. And I got to hang out with you. You're not so bad now that I know you." Naruto grinned. Temari blushed slightly,

"Maybe you're the one that will be missing me then, hm?" Temari giggled.

"Heh, maybe." Naruto just kept on grinning. It always worked for him, so why stop?

**. . .**

Eventually, the two headed their separate ways, the training over for the day.

"_**Dammit, you were making me sick to my stomach!"**_ The Kyuubi grumbled.

"_What? Why?" _ Naruto asked, confused.

"_**You're too nice! It's sickening!"**_

"_That's... bad?"_

"_**Nice guys finish last! Proven fact! Why do you think the Uchiha asshole got all the girls?"**_

"_Because he got good grades?"_

"_**So did Sakura, and nobody liked her."**_

"_I did..."_

"_**You're also an idiot."**_

"_Why do I get the feeling you're mad at me?"_

"_**Go to hell you douche drinking moron!"**_

"_O... K...? I'm just gonna not talk to you for the next few days."_

"_**Faggot."**_

"_Make that weeks." _Naruto face palmed.

**. . .**

Naruto and Jiraiya stood before the "gate" leaving Sunagakure. It wasn't much of a gate, more like just a huge gap in the large sand stone walls.

"Well kiddo, we're moving on again. And this time, please don't complain the whole way through the desert, I'd hate to have to seal your mouth shut with a jutsu. I might accidentally make it a permanent one..." Jiraiya subtly threatened Naruto.

"Eheh... yeah..." Naruto laughed nervously. "Well, I suppose we'd better get going then."

"Without saying goodbye?" Naruto heard just before he took the first step to leave. He turned around and saw not just Temari, but Gaara as well.

"I didn't already?" Naruto scratched the back of his head embarrassedly.

"You told me you were leaving, but never actually said bye." Temari crossed her arms. "And you certainly never said anything to Gaara. He's a little annoyed."

"You should show the Kazekage a little more respect Naruto-san." Gaara reprimanded in a rather scary manner.

"Uhh, umm, I'm s-sorry. Really sorry. It just totally slipped my mind. Jiraiya was rushing me so much you see." Naruto talked as fast as he could think, which when panicking, was surprisingly fast.

"HEY! Don't pin this on me!" Jiraiya shouted, now fearing for his life as well.

"Am I that intimidating Temari?" Gaara glanced to his sister, confused.

"No, of course not." Temari assured him. _"Yes... yes you are little brother." _She amended mentally._  
_

"So, yeah, goodbye!" Naruto grinned.

"Farewell Naruto, maybe you could visit some other time." Gaara nodded.

"Hey, maybe _you_ should visit Konoha if you get a chance. Our ramen is awesome!" Naruto grinned wider.

"We'll see, but as a Kage, I don't get much free time." Gaara shrugged. "Not that I've ever had a use for free time."

"R-right." Naruto's eye twitched. Gaara may not be a psychotic killer anymore, but he was still a bit depressing to be around.

"Well, I'm sure we have things we should be doing. Bye Naruto." Temari said, actually sounding a bit sweet with her goodbye, an unusual change from her normal demeanor. Naruto thought he felt himself blush a little.

"Right then, we'll be off." Jiraiya said, and turned to leave. Naruto gave Temari and Gaara, especially Temari, one last glance and then followed.

"Man ero-sennin, you're always so impatient!" Naruto complained a few minutes later.

"Look kid, I'm glad you were getting along with the girl, she's a real catch, but for me... THERE WAS NO HOTSPRING! I couldn't do _ANY_ research!" Jiraiya practically sobbed. "A place so hot and dry and sun baked has no beautiful women showing off their bodies! Th-they all hid under cloaks!" The perverted man wiped away his tears dramatically.

". . . I should have known. . ." Naruto sighed exasperatedly.

"HEY! You don't know what it's like to be an author with no material!" Jiraiya shouted angrily.

"An author, right. You just keep telling yourself that. Just like you keep telling yourself that you write novels." Naruto rolled his eyes.

"How dare you insult your teacher's works of genius!" Jiraiya bellowed. "I'll have you know I have legions of fans! My works have inspired a huge chain of merchandise, and even a hit film!" The old sannin ranted.

"Right, I'm sure you've created some of the world's greatest wank material." Naruto smirked.

The ensuing argument lasted for hours.

**. . .**

"So, where are we going now anyway?" Naruto asked after the two of them had calmed down from the argument.

"We're going to be touring the countries while I train you. If we're lucky we'll pick up some new techniques for you to learn while we're at it. You wanted to learn jutsu, so this is my plan." Jiraiya explained.

"Oh, alright. That sounds good." Naruto nodded.

"We have less than a year left to this little trip though, so we'll be moving fast. Don't get too attached to any one place or person." Jiraiya warned.

"R-right." Naruto sighed. That brought back memories of Tomiko, who he_ had _ gotten attached to. Very attached considering she had kissed him. He had even promised to go visit her again on his way back home.

**. . .**

While Naruto and Jiraiya walked, Naruto began wondering what was up with the Kyuubi, and why it was being so quiet. He didn't necessarily want a conversation with it, but it would at least take his mind off of the desert's oppressive heat.

"_Hey, fox teme, what's your problem lately?"_ Naruto asked.

"_**Shut up, I'm not talking to you right now."**_ The Kyuubi answered rudely. Though Naruto hadn't exactly been polite.

"_Why not?"_ Naruto was confused now.

"_**You disappointed me back there! I thought you'd grown a pair, but nooo! You're still a damn virgin!"**_ The Kyuubi growled. **_"At this rate you'll be stuck like that forever, unless spanking the monkey counts! I'm sure you could at least pull _that_ off."_**

"_Spanking the... monkey? What the hell? Did you finally loose it being stuck in that damn sewer?" _ Naruto raised a now _very_ confused eyebrow.

"_**. . . choking the chicken?" **_The Kyuubi suggested, sounding extremely annoyed.

"_Yep, you're completely nuts. Great." _Now he was stuck with an _insane_ demon in his head.

"_**I MEAN WANKING YOU ASSTARD!"**_ The Kyuubi roared.

"_WH-WHAT?"_ Naruto choked in shock and nearly face faulted. _"Don't just say stuff like that!"_

"Hey, you alright gaki?" Jiraiya asked, wondering why Naruto looked like he had just seen Kakashi making out with Sakura. Well, maybe that was an exaggeration, but still.

"Y-yeah. Just swallowed some sand." Naruto laughed nervously.

"Oh." Jiraiya muttered.

"_Hmph, why do I get the feeling it's more than just my virginity that's pissing you off?" _Naruto asked the Kyuubi.

"_**Are you kidding me? You saw her tits, I'm pissed that we didn't get to plow her!"**_

"_Hey, don't talk about Temari like that!" _Naruto growled.

"_**Ooh, don't let your precious, FLAT CHESTED, Sakura-chan hear you talk like that."**_

"_DON'T TALK ABOUT SAKURA-CHAN LIKE THAT!" _This time Naruto roared.

"_**Alright alright. Now go away." **_The Kyuubi grunted.

"_No. Tell me what's up your ass!" _Naruto demanded.

"_**Fur. Now shut it."**_

"_Be serious!"_

"_**No!"**_

"_Yes!"_

"_**NO!"**_

"_YES!"_

"_**NEVER!"**_

"_TELL ME!"_

"_**FUCK OFF!"**_

"_SPEAK DAMN YOU!"_

"_**I FEEL IMPOTENT!"**_

"_. . ."_ What followed was Naruto walking wide eyed with an otherwise blank expression, and an extremely awkward silence. Extremely being a slight understatement.

"_**I just said that out loud didn't I?"**_The Kyuubi grumbled dejectedly.

"_I'm still deciding on whether or not I want to acknowledge this conversation ever happened..."_ Naruto replied, eye twitching wildly. _"What the hell does that even mean!"_

"_**Hmph, you keep getting all these girls to like you without my help! And what's worse, you let them get away, and there's nothing I can do about it! Do you know how humiliating it is to have a virgin host?"**_ The Kyuubi complained.

"_Why is it humiliating? I mean, if it makes you feel any better I'm pretty sure Gaara's a virgin too..." _This was getting extremely awkward.

"_**A small comfort..."**_ The Kyuubi muttered. **_"But seriously I haven't had even one chance to use my fifth tail lately!"_**

"_I keep telling you, we don't need that one! I mean, obviously since you're not using it. Why not replace it with elemental control?"_ Naruto suggested hopefully.

"_**Hmph, one of these days you're going to piss off a girl so bad she'll never forgive you and will try to kill you in your sleep, you'll want it then, trust me!"**_

"_Ugh, I give up."_ Naruto sighed mentally.

"_**So you're going to shut up now?"**_

"_You know, it's really hot out here..."_

"_**No. Fuck no! Don't even start!"**_

"_It's hooooot!"_

_**"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH**__**!"**_

_**

* * *

**_

**So, the Kyuubi is clearly annoyed by Naruto's nice guy behavior. **

**Next time on Nine Tails Eight Powers One Demon, we move past Naruto's virginity and get back to those tails and powers! Though, sadly, moving past does not mean getting rid of.**

**And I know what you're probably thinking: "100% more Gaara! He was barely in this at all!" Yeah, well, considering previous chapters had 0% Gaara, I _did_ give you 100% more! HA! Now fuck off, I'll use him more later!**

**Also, as is my new policy, I'll be responding to reviews! Since it's been a while and there's a lot of them, I'll just pick the most interesting ones. If you just leave a review saying "good job, update soon" or something like that, I'm not gonna take the time to respond. I appreciate all reviews, but sometimes there's just nothing to say you know?**

**The Hamster Called Gerbil: Huh, nice name. As for the promise, well, you know how Naruto is with promises, come on man!**

**AspergianStoryTeller: Well, you got half of your wish... sorry. I seriously considered something like that, but in the end I couldn't think of a way to pull it off properly. Maybe in the future. And that kiss doesn't count... ugh...**

**Kenta Raikir: Uh... well... umm... about that... err... MY GOD ARE YOU FUCKING SKITSO? Haha, sorry, but seriously, your _writing_ feels hyperactive! And yes, Tomiko is very cool... for a non-ninja...**

**Daniel 29: As far as I'm concerned, Amaru doesn't exist. She's cute, but no.**

**Litewarior4: Yeah, but the Kyuubi's a lazy jerk.**

**Sorry if I didn't respond to you, but there were like 15 reviews for the last chapter, and like I said, sometimes there's just nothing for me to say. Except thank you. In terms of favorites and alerts, this is my most popular fic by far. I can only hope that my work continues to be worthy of your favor and this fic's popularity continues to grow.**

**Til' next time!  
**


	5. Around The World Again

**Alright, got me some reviews, HELL YEAH! But there's one thing bothering me. I like to check out all you people's profiles (I get bored...), and I must say, this fic of mine seems to attract Sakura haters like shit attracts flies! What the hell man? Don't disrespect the Cherry Blossom girl! Pay a bit more attention the next time you read the manga, and maybe you'll notice she isn't quite so bad!**

**But this isn't the place for that kind of rant, and I still love you guys... grudgingly...**

* * *

**Around The World Again**

Naruto was surprised. As time went on, Jiraiya started to get more involved in training Naruto. Perhaps it was something Naruto had done that had inspired the man to work with him more, or maybe Naruto had reached a point where Jiraiya had decided to step things up. Naruto actually felt tired at the end of the day sometimes. It was a good feeling though.

The Kyuubi was... a much different story.

"_Teach me something dammit!"_ Naruto growled mentally at the stubborn fox.

"_**No."**_ The Kyuubi refused.

"_Please?"_

"_**Manners didn't work the last five times, why would they work now?"**_

"_Come on! I stripped Temari for you, why won't you help me anymore!"_ For some reason, the Kyuubi seemed to be angry with him lately.

"_**And you're still a virgin, and you're still pathetic."**_

"_Pathetic? I've gotten way stronger, and if you'd actually help, I'd be even stronger!"_

"_**This has nothing to do with strength, hell, your virginity isn't even that big of a deal anymore, it's **_**you****_!" _**The Kyuubi seemed quite angry over something.

"_Me? What's wrong with me?"_

"_**You cling to your morals and your hope to save that worthless Uchiha. You're not a hero, you're a trained KILLER!"**_ The Kyuubi roared the last word. **_"You've learned skills that would let you tear a man to pieces, and yet I feel like you'd cry if we accidentally stepped on a butterfly!"_**

"_It would depend on how pretty it was..."_

"_**BE FUCKING SERIOUS!" **_The intensity of the Kyuubi's yell actually made Naruto's head hurt.

"_Alright, alright! Damn..."_ Naruto sighed a little. _"So what, you want me to just become a heartless killer overnight and murder a village?"_

"_**And then burn it, yes." **_The Kyuubi scoffed. **_"NO! That's not what I want, you simpleminded jackass! What I want is for you to get your head out of your ass and stop caring so much about the Uchiha! That would at least be an excellent start!"_**

"_I can't do that, he was my friend!"_

"_**Hey moron, key word there being WAS! He is **_**not ****_your friend anymore, and probably never will be again! For the love of fuck I'd rather have you go back to pointlessly fawning over that pink haired weakling!"_** Apparently the Kyuubi was not in a good mood.

"_Don't talk bad about Sakura-chan!"_ Naruto yelled back.

"_**Tell me that isn't the only thing you remember from what I just said..." **_The Kyuubi growled deeply.

"_It's not that easy. I can't just forget about Sasuke and move on. It's not like he's dead, he's still out there being used by that snake tongued freak! I have to do something!"_ Naruto argued.

"_**I agree. But you're going about it the wrong way. You think you can fix this and make it all better, but life doesn't work that way. Your best option when you find Sasuke is to rip out his filthy little heart and end this once and for all!"**_ The Kyuubi snarled viciously. **_"But think on the bright side kit, once your precious Sakura-chan stops crying over the little traitor, you can fuck her all you want."_**

At this point Naruto felt a little disturbed. The Kyuubi had always been violent and perverted, but now it was starting to creep him out a little.

"_J-just shut up you damn freak! I don't even want you to train me anymore!" _Naruto shook his head to clear it. Sadly, the Kyuubi wasn't done.

"_**It only bothers you because you know I'm right! You can see the truth in what I say. Think kit, you're training this much because you know you'll have to fight Sasuke. Say you win and spare him, you think he'll just magically change his mind and be a good boy when he recovers? Do you think Konoha even wants him back at this point? For all you know, they'll execute him!" **_ The Kyuubi laughed. **_"I'd pay money to watch the smug little bastard's head be cut off by the very people who practically worshiped him!"_**

"_Y-you don't know that! Things could work out!"_ Naruto was starting to feel more than a little depressed by all this.

"_**Or what if you're losing the fight? Will you kill him to save yourself? Dying will accomplish nothing. Oh how your little pink thing would cry when she heard about it, both of her friends gone..." **_The king of demons chuckled darkly. **_"Don't worry kit, I'm done for now. I'll let you think about all that for a while."_**

**. . .**

Naruto wasn't sure what to think about what the Kyuubi had said. He'd focused so hard on saving Sasuke, he'd not bothered to think about what would actually happen. what if all his effort wasn't enough? What if just trying really damn hard didn't work? It sure hadn't saved Lee from getting his ass kicked by Gaara a few years ago...

"Hey, Ero-Sennin." Naruto muttered. He was currently laying on his latest hotel bed staring at the ceiling. Jiraiya was still working on his latest "novel" nearby.

"I'm trying to write! At least use my name if you're going to distract me!" Jiraiya sighed, flicking his eraser at Naruto's head. Naruto's hand shot out and caught it, though he didn't even look away from the ceiling.

"I'm thinking about Sasuke." Naruto said, his voice in a subdued, even tone.

"Great." Jiraiya shook his head, turning his chair so he could face Naruto. "Alright, what are you thinking?" He asked.

"You were Orochimaru's teammate right? What happened?" Naruto looked at Jiraiya. Jiraiya's eyes widened, and then he hung his head.

"I should have known this might be brought up somehow." He rested his head on his fist and glanced up at Naruto. "Pretty much the same thing. Orochimaru was a prodigy, he betrayed us all, ran away. I chased him, but he ended up beating me down and then left me there wallowing in my own self-loathing for not being good enough."

"What if I lose again? Or what if I win and it doesn't make a difference? What then?" Naruto clenched his fist, flattening the poor, helpless eraser.

"If you lose, you might not get another chance. If he won't change his mind... I think you know." Jiraiya turned back to his writing. "Did you really have to ask? Or did you actually think I'd have a better answer?"

"I just want to fix things!" Naruto raised his voice.

"Well I'm sorry to say, that you can't fix everything. I couldn't save my team, and I was just as stubborn as you are at the time." He sighed loudly and turned back to Naruto. He might not finish the next page for a while at this rate. "At least do one thing I messed up with. The circumstances are different, but, your friendship with Sakura, you clearly still have that. If anything this situation may help it. Don't let that fall apart. Me and Tsuande, we're still close enough I guess, but it's not like we go have dinner every week.

Hell, we were separated for months and years at some points, though her abandoning the village hardly helped that. But don't let this situation rip you and Sakura apart. If you decide not to get romantic, fine, but keep the friendship." Jiraiya once again turned back to his draft. "Now, if that's done with, may I get back to work?"

". . . Fine." Naruto grumbled. That wasn't the lecture he'd been hoping for, but he'd keep it in mind he supposed.

"_**Why is it that I go back and forth between loving and hating that old bastard? First he says forget Sasuke, then he says alright let's give it a shot. Then he says what I say, then he says to keep the pink bitch around..." **_

"Hey Ero-Sennin, maybe sometime you can teach me sealing jutsu?" Naruto called out.

"Eh? Well, I guess, I don't think your chakra control is up to it though..." Jiraiya shrugged.

"_**. . . point taken. . ."**_

**. . .**

"OODAMA RASENG-AAAAAHH!" The over sized rasengan Naruto was trying to master was literally blowing up in his face. It was just too much chakra to easily control.

"You should try having a clone help you hold it." Jiraiya suggested. "If you could focus more on its stability and less on making sure you can keep it in your hand..."

"No! I shouldn't even need a clone to make the damn things!" Naruto complained as he picked himself up off the ground, his right sleeve shredded at this point. "I want to go back to trying to make a regular on my own like you do, just holding your hand out!"

"You know what to do, don't look at me! You have to compress it and spin it in multiple directions. You know how it feels, now just do it all by yourself." Jiraiya sighed. Naruto suddenly wanted to go backwards it seemed. Of course if he did it, he could take bigger steps forward, but still...

"_Alright you damn fox, help me!"_

"_**What happened to-"**_

"_Help, not talk."_

"_**Bu-"**_

"_Help me get it right so I can do it on my own later, and maybe I'll give you an extra year of freedom even after I learn how to shut you up."_ Naruto growled mentally.

"_**Fine, but only because this hard bargaining is a huge turn on." **_

"_Ugh... just get on with it."_

After that, it took very few tries to get it right. Naruto felt a slight difference, but unfortunately it wasn't much different from when he used clones, and he doubted he could always trust to Kyuubi to help him. He still had to figure it out.

"That's... amazing..." Jiraiya said, flabbergasted that Naruto had seemingly perfected it so fast.

"Eheh, I guess all that training is starting to work." Naruto grinned, regardless of that fact he couldn't really do it on his own, it was progress. He liked the feeling of having the rasengan spin up in his hand without having to make a clone first. It was certainly faster.

"_**Yeah, yeah, real hard training... moocher..."**_ The Kyuubi scoffed.

"_Shut up. You get paid in freedom." _Naruto growled.

"_**Yep, totally fucking free here in your stomach. Well, technically closer to you large colon..."**_

"_You can be quiet now."_

"_**Right, quiet. Like a mouse. Or maybe a tree, trees are quiet. Then again, when the wind blows-"**_

"_SHUT UP!"_

**. . .**

"Oi, Naruto. You realize how long it's been now, right?" Jiraiya spoke up. It was about two months since Naruto had worked on his rasengan. He'd not only perfected his Oodama Rasengan, but he could use a regular one on his own. Without even the Kyuubi. But, that wasn't relevant at the moment,

"Err..." Naruto's eyes widened. "O-over two years."

"Yep." Jiraiya nodded.

"Are... are we heading back?" Naruto looked at Jiraiya, eyes wide in anticipation.

"Soon, but yes. It'll be a while yet, but we are heading back in the direction of Konoha!" Jiraiya smiled, giving Naruto a thumbs up.

"YES!" Naruto jumped up... forgetting he'd been sitting on a bed, and crashed into the ceiling. So giddy was he however, that he just chuckled happily as he rubbed his sore head. _"SAKURA-CHAN HERE I COME!"_

"_**Hmph, surprised you didn't go with 'Sasuke-kun, my beloved, I'm coming for you!'" **_The Kyuubi threw in his requisite mocking. **_"But hey, at least the pink bitch has a pussy."_**

"_Douche." _Naruto was realizing that it just wasn't worth it getting worked up every time the Kyuubi went for a low blow.

"_**Faggot."**_

**. . .**

After yet another relocation, they were staying in an outdoor campsite in a relatively barren area.

"Remind me again why we're outside, using sleeping bags with holes in them and bed rolls that are about as thick as undercooked ramen noodles. About as stiff too..." Naruto complained.

"We're near Iwa, and Iwa doesn't like Konoha." Jiraiya sighed. "Best not to push our luck, the war was just barely over a decade ago after all."

"So why are we this close then?" Naruto asked.

"Well you're supposed to be paying attention and learning your way around!" Jiraiya scowled. "And I figured we might run into an... acquaintance of mine who could help your training, but the bastard seems to have made himself scarce." Jiraiya grumbled. "We'll be getting back on course for Konoha tomorrow."

And so tomorrow came... and they woke up surrounded by armed men.

"_**Not who I want to be watching us sleep... can we kill them? Pleeeeaaaase?"**_ The Kyuubi begged.

"Well well, Konoha shinobi eh? Done with your beauty sleep?" One of them asked.

"Yeah, we felt sporting and decided to at least wait for you to wake up." Another said, he had a mask and cape on.

"Dammit! Get up, Naruto!" Jiraiya sprung to his feet, but two men jumped him, grabbing his arms and striking him in the head.

"Ero-sennin!" Naruto shouted, but soon found himself surrounded by five enemies. "That's it, you're all dead!" The first enemy scoffed and lunged at him, pulling out a katana. Naruto side stepped and then stepped forward, slamming his fist into the mans stomach. Naruto groaned in pain when it felt like hitting a brick wall. A brick wall? _"PERFECT!"_

Naruto ducked under another swing of the sword and made a few hand seals, "Fuuton: Kaze Heki!" He struck his opponent again,but this time with his palm, and the man... was blown in half. _"What the hell!"_ Naruto twitched, he hadn't meant to do _that_. He then noticed that the man had crumbled into pieces of stone. _"Oh, it was a fake_."

"**_You _are_ going to kill the one behind you now, right?"_** The Kyuubi spoke up.

"_What?"_ Naruto then felt pain explode in the back of his head and he fell to the ground.

"_**There was one behind you... in case you didn't notice..."**_

"_No... no I noticed... thanks..."_ Naruto groaned out loud and rolled onto his back just in time to see a man with a large wooden club with metal studs about to hit him again. It was a miracle Naruto was still conscious after being hit with a weapon like that. Naruto rolled backwards and then flipped to his feet to avoid the blow.

Naruto rushed the man, ducking another swing meant for his head and then lunging forward, though he went for a kick to the ankle this time. Like before it was barely effective and didn't even throw off his balance. Well, _its_ balance as it was probably another fake.

"Damn..." Naruto grumbled, and then glanced up. The club was once again on a collision course for his head. "DAMN!" He barely rolled out of the way as the club smashed into the ground. He got back up to face the club wielding rock man, but suddenly found a chain wrapping around his wrist. He looked in the direction it had come from to see another enemy with the other end of the chain. Right, he was fighting more than one...

His opponent tried to pull him off balance, but Naruto struggled, managing to stay where he was. As he was struggling though the club user charged him again. He quickly made the decision to give into the pull of the chain, and charged in the chain user's direction, going faster than his enemy could pull.

"RASENGAN!" He shouted, the orb of chakra spinning to life in his hand. The chain user had no time to dodge and took it in the chest, quickly turning to stoney debris like Naruto's first victim. Fortunately though, the chain retained its form. Naruto quickly picked it up and spun it around. He and the club user charged each other, but Naruto lashed out with the chain and caught its legs. Its own momentum caused it to trip and fall while Naruto rushed in for the kill.

"_Little help here..."_ Naruto spoke to the Kyuubi as he pulled out a kunai, and with a small amount of the Kyuubi's chakra, he had the strength the drive the kunai into the stone being's head, destroying it.

"**There's one le-"** The Kyuubi began, but Naruto was already turning around to face the final enemy which had made its way behind him with a large knife. It was annihilated by another quick rasengan.

"_No there's not." _Naruto replied, dusting his hands off. "So, you want to let go of Ero-sennin?" Naruto glared at the ones who'd stayed out of the fight.

"Alright, alright... you win." The fifth enemy raised his hands in surrender. "Not bad, I'm rather impressed."

Jiraiya struggled up on to one knee, and then swung his elbow into the man's crotch,

"That hurt you bastard!" Jiraiya growled, sounding annoyed.

"Son of a whore!" The man clutched his abused groin and collapsed to the ground. "I... just wanted... it to... seem real..." He groaned out as he writhed in agony.

"I assure you, you didn't need to hit that hard!" Jiraiya shouted, rubbing the back of his head.

"_**I think we got played..."**_The Kyuubi muttered.

"What the hell is going on?" Naruto shouted, and then touched the back of his head where he got hit. "GAH! I'm bleeding!" His eyes widened when he looked at his head, wet with blood.

"Maybe... this wasn't... the best... idea." The man who had seemed to be an enemy grunted as he got to his feet.

"Obviously not..." Jiraiya muttered. "Are you OK, Naruto?" He asked.

"I'll live. It should heal soon enough." Naruto muttered dejectedly.

"_**. . . Fiiiiine. . ."**_ The Kyuubi used its chakra to accelerate the wound's healing. **_"I should charge money for this shit."_**

"_For what? All those demonic hookers? What the hell would you buy?"_ Naruto growled mentally at the demon.

"_**I assure you, I'd make it work. Everyone has a use for money! Hell, I'd be rich if you had to pay me for every damn wound I've fixed! That Chidori wound alone must have been worth a few grand!"**_ The Kyuubi ranted.

"_Again, what the hell would you buy? You're stuck in my stomach! Is there a shopping mall in my colon?"_ Naruto asked, wondering what the Kyuubi was going on about this for.

"_**. . . Shut up. . . asshole. . ."**_

"_Said the murderous demon."_ Naruto had to keep himself from shaking his head. To think the demon criticized _him_ for being stupid.

"Naruto, this is an old friend of mine. I thought I'd give you some experience with earth jutsu, even if you can't learn it since you're a wind type." Jiraiya said.

"_I'd be able to if SOMEONE hadn't gotten rid of a certain ability in order to make me 'more attractive.'" _Naruto chastised the Kyuubi.

"_**Are you **_**ever****_ going to let that go?"_** The Kyuubi sighed.

"_No."_

"My name is Hotaka." The man who'd attacked them nodded. "Those were some impressive moves, kid. I guess Jiraiya is actually a decent teacher."

"_**Old motherfucker is stealing my thunder..."**_ The Kyuubi grumbled. **_"For all his teaching, we all know it's ME who actually makes this shit work! You'd never be using the Rasengan properly without me!"_**

"_Without you, my chakra control might actually be, you know, good!"_ Naruto reminded the demon fox.

"_**Let's be honest, overall, I've made your life faaaar more interesting."**_ The Kyuubi argued.

"_I'm still trying to decide if it's been in a good way."_ Naruto repressed an outward sigh.

"_**You know you love me."**_

"_Then why are most of our conversations about how much we hate each other?"_

"_**Oh yeah..." **_

"Well, I'm certainly awake now." Naruto sighed. "Are we gonna get to work on this stuff now?"

"Well, some food might be nice, for my troubles..." Hotaka chuckled.

"I'll give you a knuckle sandwich." Naruto glared at the man.

"Suddenly I'm not feeling so hungry! Jiraiya, maybe you can prepare something in an hour, and I'll just start working with Naruto now..." Hotaka suggested, nervous after seeing Naruto demolish his earth soldiers.

"What am I, the maid?" Jiraiya grumbled.

"No, but since I'm doing the training, and Naruto's doing the learning..." Hotaka let the thought trail off.

"Fine, fine, just stop talking to me..." Jiraiya wasn't too happy with his 'friend' at the moment. He didn't have accelerated healing for _his_ head wound.

"_So, stupid fox, think you can help me learn earth jutsu like you did with wind?"_ Naruto asked.

"_**Of course. Any ninja can learn all elements, it's just easier to learn your own. I can make it fairly easy to use an earth jutsu once you learn the basics, but to use one without my help will be a lot harder."**_ The Kyuubi said.

"_Well... you're surprisingly helpfu-"_

"_**I only said I **_**can****_..._"**The Kyuubi corrected quickly.

"_Oh for the love of... do you want something in return?"_ Naruto wondered if he could bargain.

"_**Go back to Suna and find that hot little fan girl-"**_

"_I'll do what I can on my own, thanks..."_ Naruto groaned. The fox was disturbingly perverted.

"Alright. Let's start with something easy, mud jutsu." Hotaka said, and the training began.

**. . .**

They trained for a whole day. When the Kyuubi decided to help, Naruto was able to actually learn a jutsu or two, though they were so basic they were nearly useless. Unfortunately, the fox's assistance was fairly sporadic.

"Alright, you're doing OK with the mudslide, but let's try giving you some motivation." Hotaka said. They were working on the largest earth jutsu yet, which wasn't saying much, but this one had real practical battle use. "We're gonna use the jutsu at the same time. If you fuck up, my jutsu will hit you and you'll be buried under a lot of mud. Don't worry though, I'll get you out... just remember to hold your breath." Naruto gulped at that, it seemed unpleasant.

"_Y-you have to help with this one."_ Naruto pleaded to the Kyuubi.

"_**Yeah yeah, alright..."**_The Kyuubi muttered.

"Doton: Doro Nadare!" Hotaka announced after doing the hand seals.

"_Wait... what?"_ Naruto's eyes widened. The jutsu certainly resembled a mudslide... just... much bigger.

"_**That's... not the jutsu we learned..."**_ The Kyuubi said as a massive wall of mud and earth rushed towards them. **_"IT'S A TRAP!"_**

"_NO SHIT!"_ Naruto turned and tried to run, but it was too late and he was swallowed up by the jutsu. After what felt like an eternity in a dark, airless place, he felt a cool breeze caress his cheek. The rest of his body though... it was still quite stuck.

"Wh-what..." Naruto cracked his eyes open. Most of his body was stuck in hard packed earth, with only his head showing.

"Sorry kid, but you're real valuable to some people." It was Hotaka, crouching a foot in front of him.

"_**Ahhh great... we're right at testicle level with this bastard..."**_ The Kyuubi sighed.

"_Gee, thanks for making that apparent."_ Of course now Naruto had to take extra care not to stare at the man's crotch.

"So this was a trap, all from the beginning?" Naruto glared. "Dammit, when I get out of this I'm going to rip your head off."

"_**Oh baby, you know what I like!"**i_

"_SHUT THE FUCK UP!"_

"_**Oh yeah, oh yeah, talk dirty to me!"**_

"_Uuuuuuugggggggghhhhh..."_

"_**Awww, don't stop now!"**_

"_Not... the... time..."_ Naruto shut his eyes and took a deep breath to try and keep calm.

"And don't think Jiraiya is going to save you." Hotaka looked off to the side.

"Naruto! Gah, dammit!" Naruto looked to where the voice was coming from and saw Jiraiya being dragged over by two large men with Iwa headbands. His arms were bound behind him, anda third Iwa-nin had a katana out in case Jiraiya tried anything. "Hotaka! What the hell are you doing! Fuck, I knew I shouldn't have let you cook last night!"

"Well, that's how it goes!" Hotaka shrugged and stood up. "I had the antidote, so all I had to do was deal with the freak. I guess being a container makes it hard to drug you. Should have gotten the good stuff, but I'm a cheap bastard."

"_Kyuubi..."_ Naruto's expression hardened. Seeing Jiraiya drugged and helpless in the grasp of enemy ninja was too much.

"_**Killing real people? With blood?" **_ The Kyuubi was morbidly excited.

"_. . . yes. . ."_ Naruto only heard a dark, terrifyingly malicious chuckle after that. The Kyuubi was getting out of his obnoxious mood and was ready for blood. So was Naruto.

"If you all surrender now. This _freak_ might tell his demon to back off." Naruto glared at Hotaka dangerously.

"HA! Even if you somehow get out of that, will you risk Jiraiya's life? He's a friend, I'm hesitant to kill him. So if you behave-"

"Right then..." Naruto's eyes suddenly turned red, the Kyuubi chakra flowing out.

"_**First the one with the sword..."**_ The Kyuubi. **_"TAIL FOUR!"_** The earth encasing them suddenly exploded, and strangely colored red fire shot out and burned straight through the man with the sword's arm, causing the katana, and his hand, to fall to the ground.

"GAAAAAAH! WHY?" The man shouted, clutching at the already cauterized stump with his good arm.

"SHIT!" Hotaka's eyes widened and he bolted, realizing his plan was already going to hell.

"GET AWAY FROM HIM!" Naruto roared as he pulled himself out of the cracked, crumbling earth. The flames currently swirling his hands had baked the earth and coupled with the hole he'd blown in it, getting out was easy.

The two ninja still intact near Jiraiya moved to pullout weapons, probably wanting to use Jiraiya as a meat shield. However, Naruto aimed a hand at one and stream of fire shot out and burned the face of one completely off. The other one dropped Jiraiya and started backing away.

"You're a worthless coward." Naruto's eyes held no mercy as he face the last one. The man probably figured he had no hope of escape, and decided to take a shot at fighting Naruto. He pulled out a tanto and charged Naruto. "Hmph... Kaze noYaiba!" Naruto raised two fingers, and the air distorted, and next thing the Iwa-nin knew, he had a massive wound across his chest. He collapsed... quite dead.

"N-Naruto..." Jiraiya looked up at him, shocked at the display of ruthless power. Naruto looked down at him, his eyes still burning red with rage and blood lust.

"Wait here. There's one left." Naruto said coldly.

"_**Tail six then."** _More red chakra flowed out around Naruto. His canines lengthened along with his nails. His ears gained a barely perceptible point and his whisker marks became far more prominent. What Naruto himself noticed most was... everything. What he soon focused on were the sounds of running footsteps in the distance.

"_Perfect."_ He thought, the enhanced perception so far being everything the Kyuubi had promised. He quickly turned and ran in that direction, the Kyuubi's boost of power allowing him to quickly run down Hotaka. In just under a minute, the man's back came into view. _"Tail four again." _Naruto ordered, and he felt the red flames flare up around his hands again. He fired a quick burst at the ground under Hotaka's feet, and the man was flung into the air, his ankles badly burned, and he crashed a moment later. Naruto quickly pounced on the fallen man.

"P-please! I-I have information! I can tell you all kinda of things! Just name it!" Hotaka blubbered in fear.

"I have another idea on how I'm gonna spill your brains." Naruto growled, placing his hand on the back of Hotaka's head and grinding his face into the dirt. His hand was still on fire, and already he could smell the pungent odor of burning hair and flesh, amplified thanks to tail six.

"GAAAAAAAAH! ST-STOP! PLEASE!" Hotaka screamed in agony.

"Heh..." Naruto chuckled, but suddenly his eyes widened and he forced tail four off. He quickly got off of the injured Hotaka and stumbled away. _"D-DAMMIT! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!"_

"_**Helped you catch him?" **_The Kyuubi answered.

"_I was torturing him! I was going to kill him! I was laughing about it!"_ Naruto clutched his head. _"I _did_ kill two others!"_

"_**Hmph, kit... my chakra is my life energy. I'm a being of anger and hate. I thrive on chaos! You were drinking it deeply, of course it affected you, you were using two tails along with the usual chakra draw! It's not the same as using my chakra cloak, but it still affects you."**_ The Kyuubi explained. **_"Personally, I enjoyed it. The way that one's face melted off..."_**

"_Just... shut up."_ Naruto couldn't believed what he'd done, what he'd almost continued doing. It made him feel sick. The fact that he was still wreathed with the Kyuubi's chakra made him feel worse. But for now he'd use the extra strangth to drag Hotaka back to Jiraiya. "I'll let Jiraiya deal with you!" He growled at the backstabbing Iwa-nin.

Two minutes later, he and his human cargo were back with a now freed Jiraiya. Naruto had turned off the Kyuubi's chakra as well.

"Naruto... are you OK?" Jiraiya asked. "You were acting a little... off." The old man looked at Naruto warily.

"Too much Kyuubi chakra too suddenly, I'm fine now." Naruto muttered. "What are we doing with this bastard?" He changed the subject.

"Personally, I just want to cut his throat and be done with it." Jiraiya sighed.

"Oh come on! After everything we've been through? I've helped you! I de-" Hotaka argued, or tried to. Jiraiya's foot meeting his face stopped his words.

"If you even _THINK_ of saying what you deserve, I will... actually I'm going to kill you anyway, but it'll hurt a lot more!" Jiraiya shouted at the man who had a burn mark in the shape of Naruto's hand on his head. "Naruto, go back to the campfire. You don't need to see more death today. I'll take care of Hotaka and the other one." The one who was short one hand had passed out from shock.

"Right." Naruto said and walked off.

"_**So... that was a pretty little explosion of violence back there. Short, sweet, and deadly. How did it feel?"** _The Kyuubi asked, disturbingly fascinated by Naruto's actions.

"_Leave me alone..."_ Even in his mind, Naruto's voice trembled. He wouldn't say it, and he didn't want the Kyuubi to sense his thoughts, though it was probably obvious already. It felt terrible. Less so from the regret, but more so from the satisfaction he'd felt back there. They'd hurt him, hurt Jiraiya - so he'd _killed_ them. Was it the Kyuubi's influence?

Or had it been him?

* * *

**FINALLY! Sorry this took me so long. Video games and college you know? That stuff is important! Especially the first one.**

**What? It's my career field! Or will be... eventually.**

**I hope the raunchiness is still OK with you guys, I'm getting fairly comfortable using all the swears. I assume if you're still here after the first four chapters it's OK with you though! **

**By the way, if any of you people are good proof readers and want to help me, send me a message. I work fairly slow, so you wouldn't have much work to do. I'm a pretty good writer, I think, and I try to proof read, but I'm also lazy and it's hard to read something when I already know it almost word for word, I get bored and lose focus...**

**Now for some viewer mail! :D**

**Rya-sama: I agree! Is it still good?**

**kwak73: Oh, most definitely. You think I'd give him all these kick ass powers and no one for him to really use them against?**

**KitsuneDango: No. Just. No.**

**Mywickedways: It takes one word to sum this up. Thanks.**

**Xxx-Aka-Ketsueki-xxX: Oh wow, fo' serious? Well, not sure if this was the BEST introduction to fanfiction, but I'm glad you enjoyed it anyway. There are way more epic fanfics out there though, but I hope you continue to enjoy this one!**

**Morlandros: I thought so! I hope I can top it later though!**

**Still Not Dead Yet: -stabs you- Dead yet? Ahem. Thanks. And indeed, nudity is a great teaching tool!**

**volrath77: It's a love-hate-hate-hate relationship...**

**AspergianStoryteller: Yeah, Naruto's a nice guy! I wonder if it'll change with the Kyuubi's influence. Naughty little (MASSIVE) fox.**

**Argonisgema: Naruto-Kyuubi dialogue is the lifeblood of this fic! As for your question... hmmm... kukuku! No comment!**

**As usual, those who didn't say enough to really warrant a response, I still love you! Thank you all for your comments and words of encouragement! Your enjoyment is my reward!**


	6. Degrees of Virginity

**I got mah first hatemail from chapter 5! :D**

**Since he put a lot of effort into that hatemail, I will answer it right at the top.**

**But since haters don't deserve that much attention, as usual I will respond to a much more worthy person first, and it will be earthdude, the first person to leave a review that had some substance: hmm, I was actually going for exaggerations of their canon personalities... well, except for Naruto and Jiraiya I guess, but they're both already ridiculous. Then again I haven't had any Sakura or other canon char moments for a bit now, so I haven't had any opportunities to write in those exaggerations... **

**Now for the hater who fittingly named himself "basher."**

**Where to begin? I could respond in a humorous manner, or an angry manner, but too much time has passed and the passion has faded. Let me just say that I could tear your argument to pieces. But you don't deserve _that_ much attention. So let me just say this, you grammatically challenged little troll: Fuck. You. I didn't write this fic for you, so I'm sorry what _you_ wanted to happen didn't happen.**

**Have a _nice_ day.**

**That was only for my first hater, a special occasion one might say. Don't bother leaving hateful comments purely to get a response, it won't happen again. But hey, I could always use a laugh!**

* * *

**Degrees of Virginity**

"Hey, Ero-sennin-" Naruto began to speak.

"Still calling me that? Well I guess I owe you. What is it?" Jiraiya replied, looking back at Naruto. They were currently making the long trek home with Jiraiya in the lead. Naruto didn't appreciate the reminder of his murderous rampage, but decided to ignore it for now.

"We aren't taking the same route back are we?" Naruto asked.

"Not exactly, why?"

"Can we make a detour back through one of the towns we passed on the way out?"

"Oh?" Jiraiya grinned. "Now that you're older you want to 'meet up' with someone you met?" he asked with a chuckle.

"Wh-what? No! It's not like that!" Naruto's face burned red at the suggestion.

"Ah, but there is someone? Someone of the female persuasion?" Jiraiya bobbed his eyebrows up and down, clearly amused at Naruto's reaction.

"Well... yeah." Naruto couldn't meet the older man's gaze at the moment.

"_**You'd think after listening to me for over two years you'd be immune to embarrassment,"**_ the Kyuubi spoke up.

"_Guh... don't remind me."_

"_**Want me to list the female anatomy again?"**_

"_I don't even want to know how you knew all that."_

"_**Hello! Ages old demon here! How many times do I have to remind you. I can read too. Well, maybe I shouldn't say 'too,' that suggests you ca-"**_

"_I know how to read dammit! You've seen me do it! And you honestly expect me to believe you read an anatomy text book?"_

"_**I could have, you never know!"**_

"_I doubt it."_

"All right Naruto, we can make your detour. What town was it?" Jiraiya, thankfully, interrupted the telepathic transgression against Naruto's sanity.

**. . .**

"_**So, let's review shall we?" **_the Kyuubi spoke up as they neared the town Naruto had asked to detour into.

"_I don't think I want to,"_ Naruto replied.

"_**You don't even know what I want to review!"**_

"_You want to convince me to do it with Tomiko."_

"_**OK, they way I see it that girl was 14 or 15 and well on her way to being a C-cup. Over a year later now she can only have matured. You don't get titties like that at that age if you aren't destined for even greater things! Things like a D-cup or the coveted double Ds!" **_the Kyuubi's perverted chuckle made Naruto shiver a little.

"_N-no way! She'd still be too young to be that big!"_

"_**Yeah, but she could be in the upper echelon of Cs!"**_

"_Well..."_

"_**She rivals Hinata, but she has some semblance of a spine! FUCK HER BRAINS OUT!"**_

"_No!" _Naruto winced at the mental pressure of the Kyuubi's shout.

"_**Oh come on!"**_

"_Wait... Hinata?"_

"_**Yeah. Oh come on, you can't tell me you didn't notice her rack. She was up there even when she was**_** twelve.****_ That's fucking impressive."_**

"_Pedophile."_

"_**I'm a demon, I'm exempt from those rules."**_

"_Wh-what? Ugh, I don't want you in my head anymore."_

"_**Oh calm down. I can't fuck any children from in your head, and even if I wasn't in here I'm bigger than most buildings; it's physically impossible for me to have se-"**_

"_. . . are you gonna finish that sentence?"_

"_**SON OF A FUCKING WHORE I CAN'T HAVE SEX!"**_ This time Naruto physically winced at the Kyuubi's shocked and enraged roar.

"_Just figuring that out?"_

"_**Go to hell you cumguzzling cocksmith."**_

"_What does that even mean?"_

"_**It means you like penis. Lots of penis. In your mouth," **_the Kyuubi's explanation came in the form of a deep, throaty growl as it was still brooding over its realization of its sexual capabilities... or lack-thereof.

"_If you're not meant to have sex then why would you care that you can't? You shouldn't even have the desire!"_ Naruto argued.

"_**It's from being sealed in humans all these years! You fuckers are like rabbits, always humping! It's rubbed off on me. Ugh, my last host was a woman. I'm surprised I'm not badgering you to take it up the ass."**_

"_Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Whooooaaa!"_

"_**Oh woe is you?"**_

"_WHOA! What the hell? Previous host?"_

"_**What? Feeling less special all of a sudden?"**_

"_Why wasn't I told any of this?" _Naruto shouted.

"_**I'm a murderous demon who kills indiscriminately. If I'd been running loose all those hundreds of years there wouldn't be much left." **_

"_Wh-who?"_

"_**Your mom,"**_ the Kyuubi responded bluntly.

"_WHAT? Bullshit, nice try."_

"_**Yep."**_

"_Who?"_

"_**I forgot."**_

"_Liar."_

"_**Yep."**_

"_Just fucking tell me! This is important!"_

"_**No, it's not! The last host is dead, the host before that is dead, and so on! You don't live through having a demon in you! Either you get old and they take it out right before you die, and then you die, or they take it out and you... well... die," **_the Kyuubi explained. **_"Knowing who it was won't matter."_**

"_Ugh, fine, but this isn't over!"_ Naruto knew the Kyuubi wasn't going to give him a straight answer. Maybe he'd ask Jiraiya.

"_**Now, I've decided that I'm going to take over your body and plow Tomiko for you. That way I **_**can****_ have sex. I've never been in control during the act, it should be interesting."_**

"_What the hell? No way! No! I won't let you!"_

"_**Then do it yourself. I've never been this level of conscious before, so either way I'll still get more out of it. I want to know if this sex stuff is as good as everyone says."**_

"_Wait a minute."_

"_**Eh?"**_

"_You're totally a virgin."_

"_**Oh... fuck... you."**_

"_Ha! You just said you've never done it!"_

"_**My hosts have! I'm less of a virgin than you are!"**_

"_Virgin, virgin, virgin!" _Naruto cackled mentally, feeling superior.

"_**I know what a vagina feels like, and you don't."**_

"_Grrr..."_ Naruto suddenly smirked though. _"So wait. Your last host was female right?"_

"_**Yes..."**_

"_You were on the receiving end."_

"_**. . ."**_

"_I believe that is accurate, right?"_

" _**. . ."**_

"_Kyuubi?"_

"_**I will seven you so fucking hard." **_The Kyuubi was of course referring to the genjutsu ability of its seventh tail.

"_H-hey... that's too far! I-I'm sorry!" _Naruto remembered the last time the Kyuubi had released all of its killing intent at once. He had no desire to relive it when the Kyuubi was even more pissed off.

**. . .**

"_So, do you remember where she lived?"_ Naruto asked the Kyuubi.

"_**Meh. Yeah. What, you don't?" **_it replied.

"_It's been a while, the place looks a little different."_

"_**Real romantic, forgetting where the girl lives. I am disappoint." **_

"_What? Disappoint? That's not how you talk!"_

"_**I'm bored, trying new things. Your head is about as fun as a blank chalkboard with no chalk."**_

"_Again with this?"_

"_**Oh hey, you know what you can do with a chalkboard?"**_

"_Write?"_

_**'SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'**_

"_GAH! WHAT THE FUCK?"_ Even in the real world, Naruto flinched and covered his ears. Fortunately he'd left Jiraiya in a hotel so there was no-one to witness his antics.

"_**Nails on a chalkboard! Ha! Sweet, I didn't know I could do that!"**_

"_Well don't do it aga-"_

_**'SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'**_

"_FUCKING QUIT IT!"_

_**"**__**. . ."**_

"_. . ."_

_**'SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'**_

"_You are such an a-"_

_**'SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'**_

**. . .**

"_**Well kit, here we are!"**_

_". . ."_

"_**Still angry are we?"**_

_". . ."_

"_**Just go knock on the damn door."**_

The Kyuubi had finally directed him to Tomiko's house. As the Kyuubi suggested he went to the door and knocked. After a moment a woman of about 20 opened the door. To be specific, a very attractive, curvacious, woman with long dark hair and tightly fitted outfit.

"_**Family? Oh do I see good things for the future."**_

"Who are you?" The young woman asked.

"Err, my names Naruto. Uh, is Tomiko here?" It took everything Naruto had to keep from outright stuttering in the face of this voluptuous beauty.

"What do you want with my sister?"

"_**This bitch better not have soaked up all the big breast genes! Though, worst case scenario we can always just bang this one instead."**_

"_I thought you said her breasts were already good?"_

"_**For a 14 year old. If the rest of her grows and the tits stay the same, that's boring!"**_

"Wait, are you a ninja?" Tomiko's sister stared at his headband.

"Oh, yeah." Naruto nodded.

"You're not here to assassinate my sister are you?"

"_**What kind of ninja uses the front door for that?"**_

"What kind of ninja uses the front door for that?" Naruto repeated out loud. _"HEY! Did you just make me say that?"_

"_**Maybe..." **_

"Huh, good point. Now answer my other question," Tomiko's sister ordered.

"_Shit, I forgot what it was!" _Naruto panicked on the inside.

"_**Why are you here for Tomiko," **_the Kyuubi grumbled. He was probably "disappoint" again.

"Oh right, I met her about a year ago when I passed through, and I promised I'd stop by again on my way back home."

"Huh, works for me. I guess someone as cute as you can't be all that bad," Tomiko's sister winked at him. That earned a blush from Naruto.

"_**Boom! Finally got to use that one!"**_

"_. . . tail five?"_

"_**Yep! Guess what we're doing later tonight!"**_

"_Sleeping?"_

"_**You are so boring."**_

"TOMIKO! COMPANY!" said girl's sister called at the top of her lungs. A moment later it sounded like a herd of animals charging down the stairs and Tomiko flew into the room.

"I KNEW IT!" The girl charged past her taller sister and tackled Naruto.

"_**Heh... nice..."**_

"_It's just a hug."_

"_**Not that..."**_

"_Huh?"_

"_**You're about to poke her. You know... with **_**that****_ down _there."**

"_H-HEY!"_ Naruto realized the Kyuubi was speaking of his slowly growing erection. He was a 15 year old boy who rarely came into contact with women. He couldn't help it.

"_**Not my fault."**_

"_You can make me talk, can't you... you know... stop it?"_

"_**Eh, maybe."**_

"_So?"_

"_**Nah."**_

"_DAMMIT!"_ Naruto returned his attention to the outside world. "I uhh, guess you missed me?"

"Just figuring that out? Well I'll leave you two here. Try not to do it on our doorstep, OK sis?" Tomiko's older sister chuckled and went back inside. On the bright side, this embarrassed Tomiko into letting go, avoiding an awkward situation. Well, so long as she didn't pay too much attention to his crotch.

"_**I'll never understand you humans. That sounds like a good thing to do if you ask me. Take her pants off right now!"**_

"_No..."_ Naruto hated how he had to hide the emotions that the Kyuubi gave him. Sometimes he just wanted to face-palm, but he couldn't without confusing people like Tomiko.

"Err, sorry about my sister. I wish I'd been the one to open the door," Tomiko said, her face a deep shade of red.

"It's fine, I've dealt with way more embarrassing things," Naruto laughed. "I'll probably forget about it before the day is over."

"_**Is it me? You're talking about me aren't you? Awkward..."**_

"_Awkward?"_

"_**. . . hilarious. . ."**_

"_To you."_

"_**And that's all that matters!"**_

"Really? I guess that's a relief," Tomiko spoke uncertainly, but laughed. She'd changed a bit since they last met. Her dark chestnut hair, matching her dark brown eyes, was shorter and tied up and she was a bit taller, though Naruto had gotten much taller himself and was still taller than her.

"_**While you're looking her over, don't forget the chest. Definitely Cs at this point! Score!" **_The Kyuubi of course couldn't pass up mentioning that. And now Naruto had to focus on keeping himself from looking. He did, however, still end up noticing her outfit. Her shirt was a simple, black t-shirt that didn't reveal anything it shouldn't, something he was surprised the Kyuubi wasn't bitching about, though it did hug her form tightly. Her bottom was a long skirt that went past her knees, and her feet were bare. Something about the way she looked made Naruto's heart rate pick up. She was a girl, nothing new there, but something about her just screamed out at him "I. Am. A. Girl." He felt his heart start beating a bit faster.

"So, I'm here like I promised. Uhh... not sure what to do now, to be honest." He chuckled nervously and scratched the back of his head.

"_**Se-"**_

"_No."_ Naruto had seen that one coming.

"Umm, I'm not really busy right now. Let me put something on my feet... are you hungry?" Tomiko asked.

"Always!" Naruto grinned. Good, food, that would take his mind off of whatever he was suddenly feeling.

"_**For her I hope."**_

"_What? I'm not going to eat her!"_

"_**Ahhh, you still have much to learn. You can indeed eat a woman... if you know what I mean."**_

"_Uhh, no?"_

"_**I'll educate you later."**_

"_Awesome..." _He wasn't looking forward to that talk.

**. . .**

They ended up at a small restaurant and before long had food in front of them. Tomiko was being strangely silent, and Naruto wondered if he was doing something wrong. The silence ended quite suddenly before he could decide on what to do.

"I'm sorry!" Tomiko blurted out.

"H-huh?" Naruto was confused. What was she apologizing for?

"You stopped talking. It's because I hugged you like that isn't it? I'm so stupid, I'm lucky you even came back after I kissed you. I'm such an idiot!" Tomiko buried her face in her hands. She looked ready to cry.

"_**Great job, Romeo."**_

"_I didn't do anything!"_

"_**Exactly."**_

"_What?"_

"_**You're the idiot."**_ Naruto decided to ignore the Kyuubi until he could calm Tomiko down.

"No, no, no! You weren't talking either, I... umm..." Great, now he felt like he was blaming her. "I mean, no. Uhhh. It's fine, I'm just really, really bad at this." He laughed nervously. Well, this wasn't awkward at all.

"Wh-what?" Tomiko looked up, her face red from a tumultuous storm of emotions.

"The hug didn't bother me at all, don't worry about it," Naruto told her with a grin. "I'm not talking because I didn't really think ahead to what I should do when I actually got here."

"Oh." Tomiko seemed to calm down.

"So why did you want me to come back anyway? We didn't really get to know each other very well last time."

"That's exactly why! I-I-I liked you, b-but I didn't even get a chance to really talk to you. I wanted another chance," her voice shrunk the more she spoke until she looked ready to crawl under a rock and hide.

"_Is she OK?"_

"_**She admitted she liked you **_**that ****_way you fucking dolt. She's embarrassed. For fucks sake I'm a murderous demon and I'm better at understanding your own species than you!"_**

"_Oh," _he responded, deciding to discount the insults. _"Oh... OH!"_

"_**Fucking idiot! She kissed you, this isn't big news!"**_

"_Oh... right."_

"_**I'm going to kill myself, I swear."**_

"_Whatever floats your boat."_

"_**Oh, ouch."**_

"So uhh, do you still like me? It's been a while." If there was an easy way out of thi-

"Y-yeah... I know it must sound stupid. I mean half the things I like about you are probably just stupid things from fantasizing-" Naruto saw her face turn so red he thought she was going to pop from a blood pressure spike.

"_**Fantasizing? You don't say. I wonder how far she got."**_

"_How... far?"_

"_**First base is kissing, second base is touching, third base is sucking, fourth base is fucking."**_

"_. . ."_ It took everything in Naruto's power not to freak out on the spot. Between Tomiko and the Kyuubi he was having trouble keeping himself calm at this point.

"F-fantasizing?" Naruto asked out loud.

"I can't believe I said that!" Tomiko slammed her head down on the table, narrowly avoiding her food and earning stares from other customers.

"_**I take back killing myself, this is fucking amazing."**_

"_You're a dick."_

"_**I think I'm also the only one having fun here. Being a dick has its perks. Heh. Dick. Perks..."**_

And that was basically set the mood for the rest of their time in the restaurant. Horribly, horribly awkward.

**. . .**

"Are you OK?" Naruto asked Tomiko as they walked aimlessly down the streets of the small town. Tomiko was currently staring fixedly at her feet.

"No. I'm making a mess of everything. I waited over a year and I've ruined everything. You must hate me for wasting your time." Tomiko sniffled and wiped her eyes. Naruto realized that with the way she'd been holding her head he hadn't been able to see, but she was crying.

"H-hey, don't cry! You wanted me to come back and visit and I'm here! I don't hate you, you haven't done anything wrong!" Naruto tried to reassure her.

"R-really?" She stopped walking and looked up at him, eyes red and swollen and lip quivering.

"Yeah, no way I could hate you just because you said a few things on accident. Hell, I've said way stupider things!" He chuckled. He was then tackled in a massive hug and Tomiko buried her face in his chest and started crying again. "Uhh..."

"_**Hug her back."**_

"_Wh-"_

"_**HUG HER BACK YOU RIDICULOUS, FUCKING TWAT!"**_

If only out of fear of the Kyuubi, Naruto awkwardly put his arms around Tomiko. He wondered if it was a bad idea, because she seemed to start shuddering from crying more. He patted her on the head with one hand to try and calm her down, instinct suggesting how he might handle the situation.

Finally she stopped and pulled away, smiling a little, though her face was red and tear streaked. Without warning she started giggling uncontrollably. It was almost unbearably cute to watch and Naruto felt himself blushing.

"I can't believe it but I think that's all I wanted to have happen," Toimko said after she regained control of herself.

"But... you already hugged me." Naruto didn't get it.

"Yeah, but this time you hugged back."

"Oh." He supposed that made sense. He didn't expect Tomiko to then move closer to him again, this time she was moving to kiss him, but didn't go all the way.

"_**OK, now kiss her."**_

"_N-"_

"_**KISS HER YO-"**_

"_NO! SHUT UP!"_

Naruto had to calm himself down so that he could handle this gently. He placed his hands on Tomiko's shoulders, causing her to blush in anticipation. Unfortunately for her he then pushed her away. Her eyes opened and it almost physically hurt to see the disappointment in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, but I already have a girl I like," Naruto decided to just go ahead and say it.

"B-but what about when I kissed you? A-and then you said you'd come back! Y-"

"You caught me off guard that time. The situation was the same back th-"

"YOU LED ME ON! I can't believe this!" Tomiko looked ready to start crying again.

"_**Ugh, you suck at this. Seriously."**_

"I-I'm sorry, like I said I'm bad at this. I was trying to be nice!" Naruto tried to talk his way out of it.

"Nice? You call this nice? Wasting a year of my life is nice?" She raised a hand to slap him but then just slumped over in defeat. "J-just leave me alone. Go away forever!"

"Bu-"

"Go!" Tomiko sobbed, but then made it easy for him and ran away herself.

"_**Well, you made a royal fuckin' mess of that."**_

"_Go ahead."_

"_**What?"**_

"_Mock me, insult me, I deserve it. Free shot."_

"_**Pfft, it's boring if you say that. No, kit, if you want punishment I'll just be quiet and let you mull this one over. You'll tear yourself to pieces just fine on your own."**_

The Kyuubi was right. He was quite capable of making himself feel like shit.

**. . .**

"Whoa! Damn kid, I'm surprised your raincloud can fit in this room. What the hell happened?" Jiraiya asked. Apparently Naruto's depression was fairly obvious.

"Hmph. Are you just a pervert or do you actually know anything about girls?" Naruto gave Jiraiya a neutral look.

"And now it's gotten cold." Jiraiyia gave a mock shiver. "Well, I'm over fifty years old, I reckon I know a thing or two. Shoot."

"I think I led a girl on accidentally. How do I fix it?"

"You can't. If you're depressed, then obviously things have already blown up and her feelings have been hurt. You can try to go after her and apologize, but being around her will just be painful. It's best to stay away and let her forget."

"What? Just like that? Run away and leave it?"

"Sometimes that's all you can do." Jiraiya gave him a pitying look.

"B-but-"

"You feel guilty? It hurts for you too? Look, you can't focus on how you feel. That's just selfish. If you really messed up, then this is what goes with it. Learn and do better next time for your sake and whatever girl you go after next's sake."

"Even then, it still feels wrong to leave it like this. I did something wrong!" Naruto let his face fall into his hands. _"I don't suppose you know anything?"_

"_**Why would I want to help you?"**_

"_Right. Sorry I asked."_

"_**Not like I can be interested anymore. You're not getting in bed with her, and if her sister's found out, she won't touch you most likely. Oh, also if her teacher at the dojo finds out, your testicles might soon be on the chopping block. Almost forgot about that one."**_

"_Ugh." _Naruto had forgotten about that threat too.

"_**Yeah, you pretty much fucked everything up."**_

**. . .**

In the end he decided to go with what Jiraiya had said and leave things be. There was still daylight left, so Jiraiya took pity on Naruto and decided to check out early, taking the early checkout fee and getting out.

"Go on ahead, I'll catch up," Jiraiya said and waved Naruto off. Naruto shrugged and headed for the road. He found someone in his way before he could get out of the town.

"_**I... didn't see this coming."**_

"_. . .why?"_

"Tomiko, what are yo-"

"Would you believe a frog told me to come here?" It was indeed Tomiko. It had only been a few hours, and her eyes were still red and puffy.

"_**Clever old bastard..."**_

"Actually, they're toads," Naruto corrected awkwardly.

"So? Do you actually have anything to say, or was the 'toad' lying?" She crossed her arms.

"I'm sorry! Really, I didn't want to hurt you!" Naruto thought _he _might cry this time so filled with guilt he was. He'd never hurt someone like this before, it was new and extremely painful for him. He also had no idea how to deal with it.

"I know," Tomiko mumbled so quietly he barely heard it.

"Y- what?"

"You're too nice to have done it on purpose. I-I just hate it! I really did waste a year on you! I want to blame someone, I don't want to blame myself!" Tomiko shouted at him.

"Then blame me. On purpose or not it's still my fault!" Naruto told her. "Blame me, hate me all you want. I can take it, I just want you to be able to move on."

"_**I'd totally respect you right now if I didn't hate this sappy bullshit."**_

"It's not that easy!" Tomiko shook her head. "I can't just snap my fingers and move on."

"Well, there must be _someone_ else you're interested in." He could hope, couldn't he?

"Not really." Dammit. "Well..." Oh? "There is this guy, but he's the one interested in me. He's a huge jerk, and a coward, and his father is a borderline rapist, but he was too drunk to actually pull it off."

"Err, is the guy as bad as his dad?" Naruto certainly didn't want her near anyone like that.

"No. He's just rude and pushy. But at the same time he knows better than to mess with me. Hell, half the girls at the dojo are single because they're so intimidating."

"Well-"

"_**Whoa, hold it. The whole 'let's fix the guy' thing doesn't work. The girl just ends up worse off and beaten up. Don't suggest it! Or do, I don't really care actually."**_

"- maybe he just needs someone to talk to? I'm not saying date him and try to fix him, but maybe he's not as bad as he seems? I mean, I kinda know what it's like to have a crappy life."

"I guess I can at least talk to him." Tomiko sighed. "He's not like you though. He's not as good. It's a total downgrade!"

"Well if he really is that big of a jerk then ignore him! Just give him a chance to prove himself one way or another. Be careful though, I don't want you to get hurt because I don't know what I'm talking about." Naruto laughed awkwardly. Awkward seemed to be the norm when talking to Tomiko though.

"Yeah, all right. Thanks for talking to me again." Tomiko sighed and took a step towards him, staring at the ground now.

"_**She wants a hug."**_

"_How do you know?"_

"_**Because it's obvious?"**_

"_Not to me! Are you sure?"_

"_**I'm sure, you're just an oblivious moron. It's like how you didn't notice Hinata's breasts, or how she practically had a seizure every time she talked to you because she has a massive hard-on for you. Well, girls don't get hard-ons, but whatever. Point is you didn't notice."**_

"_Wh... wait, Hinata?"_

"_**Yes. Hinata. Now hug the bitch in front of you and let's get the fuck out of this shit-hole town."**_

Naruto decided to take his advice, and awkwardly moved towards Tomiko. The Kyuubi turned out to be right because as he got closer he could tell by her body language that she did indeed want another hug. He gently put his arms around her and gave her a squeeze.

"Hey, I could always visit again and make sure this guy you're talking about isn't giving you any trouble. I don't have many friends, so if you can still stand the sight of me..." Naruto let the sentence trail off hopefully.

"Um, sure, I guess," Tomiko replied as they pulled apart. "I guess you're probably leaving now though, so you should get going, I don't want to hold you up. I need time to think anyway."

"_**OK now she wants a kiss."**_

"_Liar."_

"_**Dammit."**_

"OK. Bye." Tomiko didn't respond, but smiled and walked away. One might say her steps seemed a little lighter.

**. . .**

"So, you ready to leave?" Jiraiya asked with a curious look on his face.

"Yeah." Naruto gave a weak smile. He wasn't in a good mood necessarily, but he was happy he'd at least resolved things as best he could. He could leave with a clean conscience.

"_**Yeah, I'm real happy for you. Virgin."**_

"_Right back at you."_

"_**Fuck my life..."**_

* * *

**And so the Tomiko sub-plot is resolved. I'm sure that's not what some of you were hoping for, but there was some interesting Kyuubi banter in this chapter so that should keep you content. Also, I don't think it's any secret, soon he'll be getting reunited with Sakura! I can see the chaos now, the Kyuubi won't be able to keep its filthy mouth shut!**

**MAIL TIME! **

**kwak73: True enough about Sasuke, though Kishimoto didn't originally intend for Sasuke to be a character. I personally find it annoying that Sasuke ended up being so prevalent despite that. And I'm not hating on Sasuke. The Kyuubi is a raging asshole, he's going to hate on EVERYONE. I notice the "Sakura hate" doesn't seem to bother you. Aside from the Kyuubi, I don't really know that I've bashed on Sasuke, and the Kyuubi doesn't count.**

**I'm glad that you enjoy it otherwise.**

**Ergolamia: Stop kissing my ass. Haha. Glad someone else appreciates Sakura.**

**And maybe I should cut back, if you lose too many limbs you won't be able to operate your computer enough to read my fic. Glad you're having fun.**

**Everyone else: Thanks! Glad you're enjoying it!**

**AND MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS BITCHES!**

**Or happy Hanukkah... or Kwanza...**

**Being socially conscious is hard...**

**Til' next time!**


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